Sarah Kay.

Sarah Kay - B.

Participating.

My absence is inexcusable. I find it difficult to find the time to keep a blog now that I'm home but really am trying . I want to blog, bare with me. 

     I've been feeling so weird lately, entirely out of sorts I guess would be an accurate way to describe it. Everything has been turned upside down and I don't really know what to make of it at all basically. 
     At the moment, I'm on the brink of starting a course to become a chef, which, quite frankly, is insane. I mean, me, a chef? If you told me this is what I'd be doing two years ago I would've laughed in your face! I've never made a meal more complicated than soup and here I am making multiple courses for multiple people, absolute insanity. And what's weird, I am enjoying it. I love my job, the people I work with are great. Things in this aspect of my life are really looking up; other aspects, however, not so much.
     My love life is somewhat nonexistent but that's more to my own doing than lack of interest (not to sound big headed there, but really). Things were going really well with this guy but what always happens happened: I bailed. Like the pussy I am, I bailed. I have only myself to blame. 
     My sister is moving in - boyfriend, baby and all, for an indefinite amount of time. I can't say I'm entirely looking forward to it. They move in tomorrow. 
      Most of my friends have left for Uni now, or for a similar fate. I could probably count my friends on my fingers now, I have also noticed that they are all male. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that but it's too ate to do anything about it now. My Mother is rapidly becoming my best friend. I love her m,ore than anything else but is it lame for an 18 year old girl to have her Mother as her bestest? Admittedly, lame or not, it's happened now.
     It's all a bit up in the air with my siblings and I rarely talk to, let alone see, my Father. In all honesty, life, living in general, was so much easier in the States. I find myself wanting to go back more with each day that passes. 
     Christmas is on the mind and I'm dreading it already. I am working 10-4 though... would be 100% Scroogeville to say luckily? I do hope that, because I'm working Christmas, I won't have to work New Years. I want to go somewhere with fireworks. Fingers crossed it works out, I have somewhat a bad feeling something will go wrong but we;ll see ll too soon I guess.

Self pic.

Mark Haddon.

Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time.

A Week in the Life,

The last time I blogged it was almost a week ago, I've since realized that my updates will not be regularly or even routinely but please know they will come and they will be relatively lengthy.  I'm not sure what, if anything has changed since Sunday but I'll go through the week.
So, Sunday evening I had to leave the house... I was somewhat flabbergasted by a certain someone but I shan't disclose further as that's not something I wish to shed light on. Instead of staying at home I went out with a friend. He's the kind of guy I could not see for a year but bump into him and it was be as if we'd seen each other yesterday which is actually what had happened. When I was, say, around 15 I met him - he was older than I but I'm not sure of his age then. We hit it off immediately, not in a flirtatious way but pertaining to more of a brotherly type of friendliness. Throughout the year our friendship increased and we got closer and closer. In the August I attended his 18th birthday so when we met he must've been only 17, of course. Maybe a few months post his birthday we somewhat drifted apart due to circumstances neither of us could alter which I thought was ok, we'd had a good run. A few months past then we bump into each other again and keep in touch for a short while but again, we dwindled somewhat and our communication ceased. This happened a few more times until quite recently. I bumped into him in Tesco before I left for America and we promised we had to catch up and that we did. We went out and updated each other on what had been happening to us and it was lovely. He had always been such a good friend and I missed him in that way, I was somewhat short on good friends around that time so upon my departure I promised I'd contact him upon my return home - which I did that Sunday night. We went out, we laughed, we talked, we updated. He's always been able to cheer me up perfectly. I didn't get home until perhaps 2am.
Monday I was going to Lowestoft with my Mother as her side of the family live up there. We had a really nice day with different family members. We spent a long time wandering along the shore on the beach, I'm keen on my photography (if you hadn't noticed) so I spent a lot of time clicking away. The differences between beaches here and beaches in America were absolute; I didn't mind however, it was nice to walk and observe, opposed to laying and splashing about. We ventured home later than we should've but she didn't mind and neither did I.
Tuesday was a good day - I spent some time with friends I actually like and also a lot of time clearing out and up my bedroom, by the time I was finished I was really proud of myself. I then went to work for the first time since I'd been back. The shift went quickly and it was nice to see everyone again but by the time I finished I was so ready to go, I ached and felt like shit.  My boss bought me a drink as he talked to me about my possibilities in the kitchen as I'm not going to University. He said if I were interested he could sort me out an NVQ in catering which I am really interested in, I am thinking about it seriously at the moment in par with another apprenticeship I could be going into.
On the Wednesday I woke up feeling somewhat similar to death. My tonsils were swollen, my glands, my tongue and my face all swollen - it were terrible. I went to the doctors but they failed to book me an appointment, they also failed to call me back which I am rather put out about. It's a good job I'm used to tonsillitis. I met up with some friends for an hour then spent the rest of the day on the ouch in my pyjamas.
Thursday was a good day, I went to my friend Morgan's. He's brilliant, I love him so. We're so very similar, we watched Thor and comedians until it were time for me to come home, get ready and go out again. I was meeting up with the boy I blogged previously about. I do quite like him, he's nice and we had a lovely evening. He walked me home and kissed me upon my doorstep. 
It's now Friday and my Mother and I spent the day in Cambridge, I'm off to work in half an hour and tomorrow it's my Fathers birthday. 

I'm not sure sure why I've written about what I've done, I'm sure no one cares but once I'd started I'm simply couldn't stop, desire my still being ill this week has been nice. I still 100% want to go back to America but I'm here now so I may as well make the best of it.

Gene Stratton-Porter

If you are lazy and accept your lot, you may live in it. If you are willing to work, you can write your name anywhere you chose.

Harun Yahya.

Realization: a Wake Up Call.

Being home is so odd. Before I left and while I was away I didn't give much time to thinking about what was happening back home - I wondered what was going on, of course, but I never really thought about people themselves and what was going on there. 
I've come home and I feel like everything is different now but no one has changed; it's almost as if I never left in the first place. Despite this, I've realised how much I have changed in some aspects. I went to work on Friday and it was nice but it was also so same old - the people just... they're flat, there's no life to them. I went out for a drink afterwards and I couldn't help feeling the same about so many people I was talking to. It's as if they don't realise that they are alive and they can do anything they want to. I don't remember what time I made it home but I fell asleep uneasy.
The next day, Saturday, I met a friend whom I love which was lovely. She is going to Uni soon in Canterbury which is a few hours away from where I live. I'm frightened I won't see her enough, she is one of the only people I am adamant about not losing contact with, although I don't know if she knows that or not... I should tell her. Saturday night I went out with some friends for some drinks and that's when I realised what was different about myself. For one, I realised I didn't want to get drunk like the others and I realised I couldn't think of anything worse than shots.  I realised I couldn't bitch and moan about people, I couldn't even listen to it without getting bored, it's simply not productive in anyway, nor will I gain from it. The main thing, however, is I simply did something stupid. It's not uncommon, many drunk people do many stupid things and wake in the morning generally regretting their actions. I woke on Sunday morning slightly tinged with regret but I was also grateful. I was grateful that it happened because it put a lot in perspective for me. I realised who I was and what I wanted, who I wanted to be and most importantly the opposite of those. I know now who I am not, what I don't want and who I do not want to be. I feel a lot more intune with myself by default and I'm now starting to get my priorities straight.
I can't yet decide if my wake up call happened in the best way or the worst way but it most certainly happened the most effective way. I'm done with the trials of my past, I want to walk down a new road now. I'm basically sick and tired of the same old shit, day in, day out; if something doesn't give, I'm going to go crazy. I'm going to apply myself to only positive things and only focus on bad points in a constructive way. I won't be around people who bring out the worst in me but only those that make me a better person. I know there's a big difference in say something on a blog and actually applying to real life but I am going to try my hardest. I don't bother and I let myself set in my ways I know where and how I could end up and I don't want that at all. This is absolutely and wholeheartedly for the best.

Sleeping with Someone

the Whirlwind of Return.

Being home is crazy. I'm not sure what I expected to return to but I don't think this is it. First of all, I didn't actually think I would be cold but I am but every so often I will become unbearably hot for maybe ten minutes then I go straight back to being cold - as my Uncle would say, I can't find my happy medium. The other things I've noticed, which I figured would be issues, are I'm not hungry at the right time, and I'm not tired when I should be as a result of this I haven't had a 'proper dinner' since I've been home. 
Seeing people that I haven't seen in so long is nice too, friends that I love and would die for have been a pleasure to catch up with and see again after so long apart. Hearing all about what I've missed is a very nice welcome back but I also realise how glad I am I wasn't involved with any of it. This town will forever remain the same; I can't take the bitchy ways of 90& of the inhabitants for much longer, I just wish we could all get along, I know that sounds terribly cliché but that's absolutely how I feel. I've made so many plans with people that I've had to start writing the times and places down so I don't forget or get muddled. 
It's nice being back and in my own room again, while I was away my Mother decorated it how I wanted it as a surprise and I am really grateful for that. I finally get to put things where and how I want them which gives me something to do. As we hadn't moved in too long before I left I didn't get to do much organising and putting things where they should be but I get to do all that now and it's been made easier as my selves and such are up. While I was away, I was sharing my cousins bed and it was lovely - there was always someone to talk to right before sleep drags you away. There's something comforting in that, those few words before you go. Conversations on the brink of sleep are always the truest. It was a nice thought knowing there was someone sleeping beside me that loved me. Now I'm back to my basement bedroom alone and the only company is up two flights of stairs. I love sleeping with people, not in the sexual way, just sleeping next to someone is comfortable I guess. 
I am excited to go back to work tonight at the Chinese (one job of my three) because the people I work for so are so lovely and kind; they also give me dinner with my nights pay which I could not appreciate more! Then afterwards I'm perhaps going out in town for a drink with some friends which will be good - I'll get to see a lot of people I haven't yet.
All in all being home is ok, but I wouldn't mind going back to America next week. It's not bad here and I love so many people but my life isn't here, it never has been and it never will be. I don't know where my life is on the Globe but I know nothing exciting is going to happen to me in Suffolk.

En Route!

It's been such a long day.
Like I said, I woke up around eight thirty and gave up on any more sleep - that clearly was no longer an option. Instead, I get up, make tea and have a few biscuits. I remember flying here, how hungry I was the entire day because I just did not eat in the morning... or the afternoon for that matter. That shan't be the case today, I really want to eat a lot so I don't end up running on reserves by the end of the day. I check my emails, finally something from my Mother. I haven't heard from her in a good five days; she says the internet is still playing up. I definitely need to give them a call and complain when I get back because this isn't good enough. I shower and pack some final bits. Eat some waffles. Sit with the dog. Lay on the bed. So many different things to do, I can't settle. My flight isn't until tonight, we're not leaving for hours yet. I simply can't decide what to do with myself. I feel so antsy. I feel like Kelsey, she gets like this more often than I do. I don't like it. I can't sit still.We eventually leave around two pm. Earlier than we said but I'm quietly thankful - I don't think I could've sat for another thirty minutes. I know I'm sat in the car but at least we're doing something, we're en route instead of stationary. I have a secret dread that my suitcase is going to weigh too much. Shit, I don't even have enough money to pay for it if it comes to that. Money has been a nightmare this summer but it's ok, it's over now, I can start paying back. 
We finally reach Whole Foods and, of course, it doesn't let me down. It's perfect as usual. I get a delicious sandwich and then a chocolate cupcake for afterwards - like I said, I want to eat a lot today. As we're eating there is a thunderous boom, an almighty clap - it momentarily knocks the thoughts out of my head. I follow the gaze of every other person in the building and avert my eyes toward the window. It appears the heavens have opened. To say it was raining would be a horrendous understatement. It was pouring, sheeting, tipping, bucketing down. All of the above, combined. It was raining so hard that the drops (drops being the operative word, perhaps it would be more accurate to call them something that would imply a bigger droplet) were bouncing off the pavement. The sound of the rain hitting the tin roof was bone shattering, it were as if the roof could've caved in. Then came the thunder. The bgigest clap of thunder I have witnesed since my arrival in the States. The lightning comes almost immediately. It's unbelievable. Yes, the clouds looked ominous on the drive and yes, it was supposed to rain today but no one expected this! This is something else, out of this world. The weather never fails to shock me in this country .It's amazing. If I weren't going to be on a plane in only a few hours I would be tempted to go out and dance in it, to soak up Mother Nature, to open my arms to the skies! But, I can't. I have a plane to catch, a car to sit in, no change of clothes! Instead, I just observe from within the store walls. I save half my sandwich for later, all the quotes from our Honet Teas are ones I've not had before. I love that. I promise myself not to buy much, to save some money for the airport. I still buy a new incense burners though, it has the Hindu symbol on it. I love what that symbol stands for but that's a whole other entry. I buy a cookie too, for after my second sandwich sitting. We're done and we still have fortyfive minutes to kill.
We drive down to the mall, it's not too far from where we are and it's closer to the airport. Kels and I obviously find H and M and it's there it begins. It's always the same tell tale signs that happen first. My temparature goes up, I'll yawn even if I'm not tired. It will feel as if my temples are being pulled inwards.There will be a weird sickness feeling in my stomach, one that isn't the same to any other stomach ache unless it is this situation. It leads to a combination of me wanting throw up everywhere and faint. I hate it. I can't get rid of it, either, which is the worst bit. All the helps is laying in a cool, dark room in silence but that isn't an option here so while they go in Sears, I sit outside and close my eyes. I don't want the last hour I spend here to be spent in a mood. They don't take long and before I know it, we're back in the car and on our way to the airport. We're over taken by a fire truck. I feel like that's a bad sign. I wind down the window and rest my head against the cool glass while the breeze runs through my hair. It feels a lot better, I'm starting to feel better too now. Brilliant, there is a car in the middle of the road, absolutely smashed to pieces. The road is closed so we have to go a different route. A very bad sign. We turn around and take another route. I feel like we'll never get there. I don't want to leave but I just want to be on the plane already. I want to get all this waiting and such over and done with. I get paranoid and antsy in this stage of travelling, irritable. I don't like it and nor will anyone else. 
We eventually pull up at the airport and we jump out while U. Ed goes to park the car. We check my bag in, it's five kilograms overweight, that's a forty pound fine. A. Julie pays for it and I promise I'll mail the money as soon as I can, she said she doesn't mind. We sit about and wait until we are four again and they take me up to security. I've already taken off all my jewellery and I'm being super polite to everyone I speak to - Americans like that, the're big on manners here. The guy at security is acting like a dick, giving me a million instructions on how to place my bag when all he needed to say was 'place it flat on the conveyor belt please' but no, he had to be awkward didn't he, the bellend. For once, I go through the metal dector without it beeping on me. I almost breathe a sigh of relief but that would probably arouse suspicion so I breathe it in my head instead. I don't go off but my bag does. There's always something! The woman is friendly when she asks me what's in the bag and friendlier still when I tell her just books and a camera. We talk about iPads vs real books while she searches my bag. She's nice, doesn't find anything dodgy so she lets me on my way. I tell her to have a very good night. Stop off to use the bathroom and then buy some Fiji water (thinking of Kels on that one, Fiji water has a good Ph level) and then off to my gate. I get there super early so I get a good seat, nice and chill.
While I'm sat I decide to give my Mother a call, she recognizes my voice straight away and apparently so does Toby so he and I chat for a moment until he loses interest (which doesn't take long seeing as he is a cat) she tells me she can't wait to see me and she'll be at the airport for just after ten so I don't have to wait around. It will be so good to see her again, I've never gone this long without seeing my Mother, it's bloody lovely to hear her voice again, in all honesty. We hang up because it's late her time and I go to the bathroom again. I strike up conversation with the lady sitting opposite me. We chat for a while, it's a nice break to the solitary confinement that will be my mind during this flight. I sit, I read, I organize my bag.
We eventually board the plane and that's where I am writing this, seat 37K, next to a slumbering seat 37J (she's nice). I don't know how I manage it but every plane I have ever been on, I have sat by the window and I have flown to Florida once, to Italy twice and to Germany three times and now to Philadelphia! I'm always lucky enough to get a seat with a view, and what a view it is tonight. I literally cannot get over how gorgeous it is. It's as if there are no inland lights, but all the lights along the water's edge have been turned out, just illuminating the coast. It's gorgeous. I don't know which state it is to my right but if I concentrate long enough I can see the movement of lights on the highway. It's the yellow orange glow that pictures just do not prepare you for. Nothing could ever prepare me for being this close to the moon, the stars. I can see them all from here! Admittedly the lights from within the plane ruin the view a bit but still, it's a glorious sight layed out from the otherside of my window to the end of eternity. The moon has never looked brighter, I'm so grateful it's not a cloudy night. The Stewards keep asking me to shut the blind because it'll soon be getting light out as it's almost 5am in England but we won't be getting light for ages yet, still a good five hours until we land so we've got a bit of darknes to go yet. It's an ethereal kind of beauty. We could absolutely be the last ones alive, up in the air, surrounded by this gorgeous sea of blue sky, occasionally dotted with diamonds of fire and we'd never know about it. For once I'm amongst it, instead of observing it. I can't get over how this feels right now. Tonight, we could forget about the sun, we could forget the sun is the center of the Universe, tonight it seems as though the moon is the center of it all. The moon is the be all and end all of existence, eternity, everything. I had to write this as I'm seeing it because if I waited I wouldn't be able to know the lexis to use in the morning, surrounded by light and plain old England and reality. My reality. 
I've drunk in the view, I can see it now with my eyes closed. It will for be an image I will remember for the rest of my life. But for now, it is time to sleep. I'm getting delirious: it's 2am in the time zone I am leaving and 5am in the time zone I am entering. AKA sleep o clock! Goodnight, sweet dreams and have a lovely day tomorrow!

America: the finale.

My last few days go in spurts: really quickly then dragging beyond belief.  My alone time is nice but I’m forever grateful upon the return of my family. I do the majority of my packing on the Friday , my laundry too. I check out my flight details and such. It’s weird, I’m excited to go home and see everyone but I absolutely do not want to leave. I’d like to go home for a week, maybe two but then I’d like to return to Delaware, get a job and start a life here. I can’t do that, though. Firstly: I don’t qualify for a visa and secondly my Mother needs me so I need to be there for her, I can’t leave her just yet. The Saturday Uncle Ed and I go to Rehoboth for the last time where I get told off for standing on the jetty and I buy the last party to everyone’s presents.
Sunday is completely an off day. I’m basically packed and I don’t know what to do with myself. We resolve to go to Chipotle for dinner because it became my favorite restaurant in American (if not, in the world) but the line is literally out the door so we end up in Rice which is fine by me as we that’s my #2nd favorite restaurant in the States. I eat my hear out and when we get back home I eat vanilla Talenti ice cream with chocolate chips. I finish packing and say goodnight for the last time and Kels and I retire to watch the Inbetweeners together for the last time for who knows how long!?
My nights sleep is terrible. I don’t drop off until way gone 1am, only to wake around 2:30 in need of the bathroom. I wake again around 6 then 7, I wake for the last time around 8:30 ad decide to give up on any further notions of sleep. That’s just what I need! Shit nights sleep ahead of me. At least in less than 24 hours I’ll be on a plane en route home!

Say Goodbye!

Rehoboth Beach, DE.

America: Embracing the Moment.

If the statement ‘start as you mean to go on’ was true, the day would’ve been a disaster.

We wake up and there’s nothing for sandwiches, we take Isis for a walk but we get to the end of the street and have to turn back because she won’t budge – it’s too hot for her. We finally leave to get gas and it’s gone up 6 cents since yesterday! The buttons on the pump don’t work so we have to drive round to another one that does work only for the actual pump to be iffy resulting in Kels spilling gas all down herself. Back to the house we, she needs to shower an change: it went everywhere. I’ve still had no email from my Mother. By the time we pull on the highway I’m feeling a bit dejected.

Alas! Half way there, the road clears and shuffle is suddenly playing all our favorite songs. We drive through Rehoboth, through Lewes and finally we pull into the Cape Henlopen parking lot. It’s midweek so it’s not too busy and we get a good parking spot. The same applies down on the sand, people are scattered all along the shore so we get the perfect spot right down by the water.

The sun is high in the sky as we lay down or towels and slather on the block. The clouds are like the people: scattered and sparing. As we’re so close to the water we can both get in without having to worry about our stuff being stolen. The sea is the perfect temperature: cold enough to make you jump but not so to stop you getting in. I’ve not been in two minutes before completely submerging myself. My wet hair feels delightful on my back as the sun beats directly on it.  The horizon looks gorgeous, stretching out forever right before my eyes. I dash back up the sand to get my camera, desperate to capture this vision of breath taking beauty before it’s too late, before it’s gone. I call my agenda over my shoulder to a confused looking Kelsey. I take picture after picture after picture of the horizon, the sea, the waves, the sand, the people. I take pictures of everything, aware that this is my last day on the beach before I have to go home.

Now that my departure is so close, I can’t bear to leave. Delaware might be a bit naff but the beach is gorgeous, the people I love and the weather… well, I couldn’t ask for better!

We play with the toy that we managed to remember this time; a ball with two scooped catcher things – we don’t know what to call it. We splash in the sea and we lay on our towels to soak up the sun, taking a drink every ten minutes. This is our routine.

I’m silent for a while, eyes closed, limbs stretched. ‘’You alright over there’’ comes Kelsey’s voice interrupting my reverie. “Yeah, I’m fine” I say, £just embracing the moment.” We both giggle. It’s such a lame thing to say and it’s been an ongoing comment of mine all summer, but it’s true. Embracing the moment. Just soaking up the heat, the sound of the waves and the people, my still wet hair, Kelsey’s presence, how I feel right now. Absorbing the very perfection that is this very second. The few clouds in the sky have not once passed over the sun. A day like this needs to be embraced.

We carry on out routine for a while longer and before we know it, we’ve here a good three hours and we’re starving so we pack up and head for the showers.

Feeling refreshed with the windows down and the volume up we head into Lewes to get pizza and Kels knows just the place. We park and walk, Lewes is gorgeous, kind of place I could see myself living one day; great book show, ice cream parlor and pizza place as I was about to find out.

The restaurant is a quaint little place with space enough to sit eight outside and perhaps four times that inside. It’s call Half Full, as in ‘glass half full; an eternal state of optimism. It’s quirky and comfortable and I love it. Now, my usual opinion on pizza is the more meat, the better but today, fort some reason, I feel like a change. Instead, I opt for the spinach salad; spinach (obviously), roasted red peppers, red onions, tomatoes, cheese, bacon and balsamic. Nice and light, I’m starving and can’t wait. I take pictures of this and that and the next thing until my battery finally runs out; it’s done well to last this long. The people outside leave and we quickly take their spot, it’s such a gorgeous day it would be a shame to waste it sat inside. An older gentleman is say on the bench across from ours. His eyes drinking in the view, you can tell by his expression he is content to be alone, his face is an echo of the onslaught of thoughts going on within his mind. I like people like him. It’s not long before our pizza arrives and, my goodness, I am not disappointed. It’s one of the most inviting looking meals I’ve ever had put before me. It looks so good I almost don’t want to eat it but frame it! UI said almost, my belly growls are me so I dig in. I can’t help but congratulate myself on my decision – it tastes even better than it looks so I chivvy my camera back to life so I can get a picture of it before it’s diminished.

While we’re eating a couple arrives, the very ostentatious type. Not at all trying to keep their conversation between themselves, they make sure we can hear. I feel sorry for the gentleman for they chose to sit next to him. The disturb his serenity, his tranquility as they’re on and off their seats, in and out of the door; it takes them forever to settle down and when they do, they strike up conversation with their neighboring diner, pursuing small talk despite his obvious reluctance. Eventually the conversation dwindles and the poor man doesn’t waste any time before departing, he didn’t want a companion obviously! If he did, he wouldn’t be dining alone! I hate how shallow some people are, how some think being alone is the lesser of the two, as if ones own company isn’t enough. It’s clear the couple on the bench across from ours are a couple that follow a similar ideal concerning the one I just mentioned.

Kelsey finishes before I do for I am too busy observing to chew faster. We sot for a while, enjoying each others company, embracing the moment, before we decide to head home. Eventually we get up and go. We amble slowly to the car, really not saying much at all. It’s such a nice feeling – after a brilliant day, this is just the perfect way to end it. I’m overwhelmed with love for my cousin; so glad we reconnected after such a long time apart. We compliment each other wonderfully.

Again, the iPod just picks up the perfect songs to play as we chase the sun to the horizon. This will always be a day to remember.

my pizza.

 

Last day at the beach.

Wave goodbye to the waves.

John Green

Maybe our favourite quotations say more about us
than about the stories and people we're quoting.

The Uses of Sorrow.

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

Pictures.

Prioritizing Friends.

Being here for so long I've really learnt a lot about my friends. Who my real, no matter what, friend are and who the passers by are. Real friends aren't the ones you see every day, they're the one you can go months without seeing but it will feel like it was only yesterday. I've been very surprised with who I've been keeping in contact with and who simply just hasn't bothered. The ones I thought I'd miss the most, who I thought I'd message every other day or so, I've barely spoken to and the ones I have spoken to frequently aren't the ones I see frequently. It's been weird to wrap my head around. I definitely have been let down by those who promised more and it's a shame, but it's life. At least when I'm back I can prioritize who I see and hang out with rather than waste my time with people who aren't that bothered. I don't want to be surrounded by people who only half mean what they say, if that. From now on, I'm only being around those that bring out the best in me.
Kind of nervous about going home but deep breaths and don't let the fuckers get you down.

Finish: Charles Bukowski

We are like roses that have never bothered to

bloom when we should have bloomed

it is as if

the sun has become disgusted with

waiting. 

Rehoboth Beach.

Rehoboth.

Joe's house: my penultimate Wednesday.

My last time hanging out with these guys makes me realise how quickly my summer has gone. I think back to the first time I met them, at Zack's, then again properly at Joe's. Now it's goodbye, full circle.
Adam and Andrew pick me up around 2pm in Adam' Mustang, Andrew plays Metronomy - they're going to make it to my songs of this summer playlist. We catch up, it's been a few days or so. At Joe's, a few people are already in the pool, there a more to come. I go to the basement to change into my bathing suit, still amazed at how friendly I am with these people who were, not too long ago, complete strangers. 
We play some weird ass made up game with an American football and the floaty noodles. We talk about the future, the summer. We eat pizza bites, mac n cheese and sloppy joes. We talk about drunken experiences, I tell them about my time at Beth's. We get back in the pool for a bit. Joe and Brian go to pick up Bumper Girl meanwhile Adam, Alex, Jordan, Andrew and I fool around with the football - both English and American - and the frisbee. Alex gets hit by the latter and acquires a lump the size of a golf ball on her shin. We finally meet the alleged Bumper Girl (long and ongoing story). More people turn up, a few leave. We talk, play, laugh. I can't help but feel so grateful to these people who just invited me into their lives, no questions asked. They didn't have to, especially with Brighton gone these last few week. It gets late, we head into the basement and play pool, darts, N64 and fool around with the fitness equipment. I  learn the Spoon Game and the Super Hard Sit-up. I say goodbye to a few people for some depart  for college either on or before the weekend and have other things  they have to attend to. Everyone complains Thomas still hasn't arrived, it's getting late and he receives multiple texts and voice-mails. They're mad because they care, he leaves tomorrow and they still haven't seen him to say goodbye. Eventually he answers with a reassuring, 'I'll be over in twenty'. I'm glad, I like Thomas and it'll be nice to say goodbye to him properly. Joe gets out the Cool Story Box and everyone gathers round. Post it after post it of inside jokes and funny stories of the past few years of their lives. Some things I laugh at too, somethings I can't because I simply don't understand.  Andrew's shirt>hair>glasses twitch is in there and so is the summer we met Emily. It's nice to think that when they next have the CSB out in a few months, a year or so, they'll read my post it and say one or two nice things about me before moving on. I'm indulging myself that. The box is put away as Thomas arrives - it's good to see him. We sit, chat, laugh. It really has been nice knowing him. I wish we could've hung out a bit more but maybe next year. All too soon he leaves, he departs at 6am for college so an early night is in order. He tells me to add him on Skype. We hug, then he's gone. Our attention is focused on Smash Bros, turns out I'm not as bad as I thought I was. Joe and I ever win a game or two against Adam and Zack. But I'm tired, cold and still a bit wet from the pool and I bore quickly. It's almost 2am before Adam decides we should go and  Joe kicks us out. I teach Adam 'butterz' and 'dank' on the way home - some last minute English slang (after out Cockney Rhyming Slang that we went through earlier). As we pull in the driveway I thank him for everything and say goodbye. I'm glad i met Adam, too. He's such a nice gut, it really has been a pleasure acquainting myself with their friendship circle. I'm glad I got to meet them all. 

Fuming.

Just, fuck everything.
FUCK IT ALL.
People will always let you down, that is the only thing you can ever count on them for. 

Sinners Talk.

Leaving little to the imagination,

perfection with no set definition.

Bountiful and voluptuous,

and just plain scandalous.

You won't make it through the night,

we both know two wrongs don't make a right.

and even in that first glance 

you knew you'd never stand a chance.

Speaking the Devil's language now,

it tastes of lust - I can taste

you on my tongue, we won't be long,

not one will realise we're gone.

It was nothing, it was everything - 

what was your name again?

My delight before the moonlight,

we fell in love for the night.

#17 America: Different things.

England and America are very different, obviously, I knew that, I could've told you that before I got here. What I mean is, living here I've had to adjust to a lot of things. Again, I could've told you that before I got here. But I mean I'm adjusting to things I never realised would be a factor. Like when I can take a shower, what time dinner is, needing my sunglasses basically every day Then there are things like my speech - apparently I mumble a lot, but I always pronounce my t's.  I don't want to all them issues because they aren't causing problems but I can't think of a better word so there are a lot of issues that are being picked up on that I never realised would be so.
The one I've noticed the most, the one that I thought would never ever be an issue, the one I figured would be a God send but quite frankly isn't, is simply the air conditioning.
I mean, at first, when I wasn't used to the heat I love it. It really hit the spot, a nice cool breeze on my face. Now just to be clear, I don't like the air in England either. It's so unnecessary, just open the window! I know it can get a little loud but so what?  Just speak up, turn up the radio! There's no more a glorious feeling than the wind on your face and running through your hair. Air con is stale, it doesn't feel nice on your skin. It's cold and sterile, it makes me feel kind of nauseous. I just, I don't know, like I said, I think it's unnecessary I guess. I mean, what is wrong with opening the window and just feeling Mother Nature frolicking about your being? I know I've said that many times in many a words but that is exactly my point. It's there, a constant, reminding you that you are, in fact, going somewhere, not just sat in a room of stale, second hand air.

"Forget not that the Earth delights to feel your bare feet and the wind longs to play with your hair" (- Kahlil Gibran.) 

At the end of the day, it's all about the Earth, it's all about nature; embracing it, enjoying it because without it where would we be? I think mankind has become too caught up with technology and is so concerned with its benefits that is' downfalls are being overlooked. I think everyone should just turn everything off and step outside. I think we need to listen to the birdsong and watch the sun rise, we need to feel sand between our toes and the grass tickle our nose. We need to be reminded how refreshing it is, how really good it feels to feel the wind caressing our skin before it gets too late for I fear it might be too late a lot sooner than expected.

#16: The Rocks

I'm calm. So peaceful and calm, serene in fact. Andrew, Brighton, Peter and Thomas are in the water, riding the waves. After my first and last experience, I don't fancy trying my hand at is again any time soon. Instead, I'm on the rocks. I'm so relaxed, the only though on my mind is how relaxed I am. The reliable, rhythmic pattern of the waves and the consistency of the horizon reminds me of the reliable, rhythmic  and consistent patterns in life. The ocean's foamy fingertips break at the shore and the surf makes swirly white patterns for just a second before they're recalled back into the great body of water only for it to happen again, and again, and again. It breaks, it gets unbroken. Standard. Ever though if, one day, the sea just stops and all the water is still? Imagine going to the beach, or on a boat and the water just didn't move? How beyond absurd would that be? I feel like that would be such a devastation. I wonder how it would affect the fish and all the other live down under. I hope that never happens. 
I think I'd like to be a marine biologist. Although, I'm not really sure what that would entail. What does a marine biologist do? I would like to work with the creature of the deep though. Perhaps I'd clean the shores or something. I'd love to make whale documentaries or something. How interesting would your life be if you spent a great deal of it in a place you couldn't breath without assistance?
There are two guys fishing, their methodical approach is comforting; a father and a son from Baltimore, they've been here a week, today is their last day. Yesterday they caught 50 fish (blue fish, whatever they are). The father was asking me about my life in England - where I'm from, what my major is (explaining that our school system is different was too much so I went with), what I want to do - he realised I was Scottish pretty sharpish due to the colour of my hair, my freckles, and my complexion. His son lost his glasses, man do I know that feeling. Speaking of, my glasses are breaking, I'm going to have to take them to the opticians when I get home. Home. What a place. You know what I realised this morning? I can't remember what colour our plates are. You know, our dinner dishes, cups and bowls (matching set). I cannot for the life of me remember what they look like. Similarly, about a week ago, I forgot the colour of a £10 note. I could not at all it's orangey tone beside the face. I'm pretty sure that face has a beard but I could be wrong. I'm forgetting things I never even realised I could forget. I've even forgotten the sound of my own Mothers voice. How terrible is that? It's ok though, I'm calling her tomorrow, it's her birthday. I've sent her a presents without telling and I haven't mentioned it in any of my emails.  She'll definitely be surprised when she hears my voice tomorrow and even more so when her gift arrives. Bless her, I do love my Mother. I can't wait to see her again.

N.B I do not miss home.

My Miss List #2

It's weird what you miss. I didn't think I'd miss anything. I knew I wouldn't miss anybody - that's too much emotional effort and I've wasted too much of my life on missing people already, I don't know to continue. I knew I'd miss my Mother, I don't yet but I will in a couple of weeks perhaps and I feel bad saying that because I know she misses me but I just don't miss people, period - she's the only possible exception to that rule. I guess I miss my cats in a way, I'm with them 90% of the time I am at home. They're gorgeous, fluffy, warm, they have the most relaxing purrs, they're company, the perfect size, the know my mood - they really are the best companions. My Mother and my cats, that's it.
I miss objects that I never thought I would, things that never crossed my mind that I would miss. I miss low ceilings, fry-ups, I miss being able to walk place, Jack Daniels, my jobs and working, chicken, the gym. English adverts, our bath tub, driving on the left, British accents, Dave (the channel), our record player, Orion (I can't find him here), Cadbury's, insults (Americans just don't insult like us Brits do), the colours on our notes, Aquafresh, terraced housing.
I'll admit, it's an odd list of things and I've probably missed a bunch out but you get the picture. I used to think I hated England and everything about it and it's not that I haven't been there for five weeks that I'm starting to realise how decent it actually is. I mean, I love America but England is something special. I guess my point is you should appreciate what you have while you have it and you shouldn't take anything for granted. Yawn, how cliché, right? But seriously, people would tell me I'd miss England and I never believed them because, in all honestly, it is pretty shit. But that's it! I miss it's shitness and how it wears it with pride. The Brits are those that say. 'yes, it's a shithole, but it's our shithole. I dare you to say something.' It's not that I can't wait to get back to England because I can, but when I get there I will be pleased and I will appreciate everything a lot more than I did when I left.

Finish: Charles Bukowski.

Charles Bukowski.

Lemony Snicket.

15: The Fleeting People.

"Oh, the people I've met are the wonders of my world." (Adele)

I want you to think about something for a minute. Think about you family, your friends, your co-workers, ex school mates, x lovers, the people you always see but don't know, those that work in the places you frequent, think of all the people that you know - however well you know the, they are in your life and that's standard. But what about those you only meet once? The people you meet standing in line or on transportation, at a gig - all those random places you temporarily make friends. And for however a brief a conversation you have with this person and no matter how well you get along with the person, you both just go your separate  ways and never see each other again.
I'm not going to talk about two people. The first, a woman I met on the plane en route to America. She returning from a business trip; she's an accountant and had been working in London for two weeks. It was her first visit to England and she really likes it there, and really enjoyed her time spent in London. She worked five day weeks and got weekends off which she used to explore the area, her husband joined her for the first week of her trip. They both took home English goodies. She could've stayed longer but on the Monday she was having a scan to determine the sex of her baby - she was very excited. That was 40 days ago. I wonder where she is now.
The second person I'm going to talk about is a guy I met at the Firefly Festival, we were waiting for the Killers for ninety minutes so a friendship was inevitable. His name was Jake. We talked the entire time we waited and we talked throughout the gig also. He was around fifteen years my senior, wearing an old baseball cap, it was clear he wasn't a 'ladies man'. When I took off my shirt (I wasn't the only one, 50% of the crowd were in a similar suit. It was a very hot evening) leaving my in only my bra he didn't look while I was looking at him. Only when I turned away did his eyes start to stay; he did it in a way that made it clear he was looking but not gawking. A way that wasn't pervy, just men's nature. I doubted he had a girlfriend. His temporary interest in me was endearing - it really was a pleasure to meet him.
I wish I could keep in touch with him, and the woman from the plane all the hundreds of people I've met briefly in my time on this planet that I've just bonded with, no questions asked. But I think that that may be the beauty of these types of friendships: they're fleeting, their trails balze and you always wish they last longer. They are the shooting stars or relationships.

Soul Mates?I think they exist. Just not always romantically. I think there are certain people you will meet in your life who you just connect with more than anyone else and you just know it isn't a typical thing and you udnerstand each other perfectly. And this person always be your ''significant other'', I mean, it could be your friend or sibling or parent or teacher or the person you're dating or whoever, it could be just about anyone you've ever interacted with.

Buddha.

Each day we are born again, what we do today is what matters most.

#14: The Story of my Heart.

"The things you regret most are the things you didn't do."

So. There's this guy. Of course there is, I'm ane ighteen year old girl, obviously there's a guy. And if there was a guy there would still be some kind of significant male. Anyway, this guy. He's funny, intelligent, attractive, easy going, dresses well, listens to music the way I do, we get along perfectly. We share opinions and views but we're also different in complimentary ways. I guess you could say we balance eachother out. He's so genuine. That's what I like most about him. There's a really strong sense of sincerity wheneber he says something. He just seems like the kind of gut that wouldn't lie. I feel like he's never really been hurt. Maybe I'm wrong but that's how it seems. I guess we're different in that aspect of life. I've been very hurt, over and over again. By someone I thought I could love and trust. Now, by default, I neither love nor trust. It's half a conscious choice, half reflex. It's not that I don't want to, I guess I'm scared to. I don't like being vulnerable, I don't like beinghurt - I'm sure no one else does but there's something else, something I can't put into words about my reluctance to surrender - it's like... it's not that I'm dead inside but I don't know if I'm capable anymore. Not to be over dramatic, but honestly, that's how I feel. 

    "Words do not express thoughts very well, they always become a little different imediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish." (Hermann Hesse)

There's a feeling in the tips of my fingers and the pit of my stomach and the tips of my toes that the English language hasn't accomodated for yet. There is no word, or colletion of words, to accurately impress how I am feeling. I guess he's what I want but something in me is convinced I hcan't have. I'll try with him when I get back - we both know there's a spark but I don't kno whow it will go. I have never been good with relationships. My first boyfriend cheated on my with my best friend, there there were a couple of non consequential guys who lasted simply weeks at a time and were more best friend than boyfriend material  . And then there was my last ex boyfriend. Who is very consequential. Who cheated on me and I took back. Who, during a few brief break ups, did the nasty with a close friend. He was a player in many ways, often he was like two different people. So, both of my major boyfriends have cheated on me, I hope now it's relatively easy tii understand why I feel the way I feel. I know shouldn't judge the masses on the minority but it's very easy to do. That's why I never get involved. I get so far in, panick, back out and avoid the guy until it's been made clear how I feel - I just don't trust people, is that my fault or would it be better to be naive? And wade into situations with my eyes closed, ignorant to the fact it had the potnetial to leave me a broken heartred, sobbing mess? The latter is inacurate - I don't c ry. I'm not a crier. I haven't cried since my brother left Afghanistan. When you have something like that to cry about, everything else pales in comparison I guess. Sometimes I wish I were less guarded and could openly and enthusiastically give myself to another person. Oh, here's another thing: I don't believe in love, but that's a whole nother kettle of a fish, a whole nother entry.

 "Many people still confuse attachment with love. Attachments are about fear and dependency, and have more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn't about what others can give you because you're empty, it's about what you can give others - because you're already full. " (Yasmin Mogahed)

I don't want to get attached to him and I know I literally just said I dont' believe love exists but my theory is 'it's harder to prove something doesn't exist, than to prove it does.' But the thing, I don't think I'm metaphorically full yet so I have nothing to give him and that's what concerns me right now. When it all boils down to make or break, I don't want him to change his mind becaise I know this has potential - but what if he doesn't realise this? Instead of behing the one left, I avoid the situation by doing the leaving but this time I'm going to try really hard to sitck it out. Man, I'm not going to lie but I like this guy. I'm just really nervous.

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." (Christopher Columbus)

My locks.

This is me.

My bedroom wall.

My bedroom wall.

Forget Me Not.

I tried to forget

but you grew roots around my ribcage

and sprouted flowers

jsut below my collarbones

all day i pluck their petals

but i have not yet ascertained

whether you love me

or not.

#13: My Miss List.

It's weird what you miss. I didn't think I'd miss anything, I knew I wouldn't miss anybody - that's too much emotional efort and I've wasted too much time of my life on missing people already, I don't want to continue. I knew I'd miss my Mother though, I don't yet but I will in a couple of weeks perhaps and I feel bad saying that because  know she misses me but I just don't miss people, period - she's the only potential exception to that rule. I guess I miss my cats too in a way, I'm with them 95% of the time I'm at home. They're gorgeous, fluffy, warm, they have the most relaxing purrs, they're good company, the perfect size, they always know my mood - they really are the best companions. My Mother and my cats, that's it.

 I miss objects that I never I thought I would, things that never crossed my mind that I would miss. Things like low ceilings, bacon (my cousins are vegetarians), fry ups, I miss being able to walk everywhere, Jack Daniels, my jobs and working, chicken, the gym English adverts (they're very eccentric here, over the top), our bath tub, driving on the left, British accents (all of them), Dave (the channel), our record player, Orion (I can't find him here), Cadbury's (chocolate here is far too sugary), insults (American insults are limited and kind of suck, never wanted to call someone a twat this badly before, or a wanker but no dice), the colours of our money, Aquafresh, terracec housing.
I'll admit, it's an odd list of things and I've probably missed out a bunch but you get the picture. I used to think I hated England and everything about it and it's now that I haven't been there for five weeks that I'm starting to realise how decent it is. I mean, I love America, but England it something special. I guess my point is you should appreciate what you have while you have it and you shouldn't take anything for granted. Yawn, cliché - I know right but seriously, people would tell me I'd miss England and I never believed them because, in al honesty, it is pretty shit. But that's it. I miss its shitness, and how it wears that fact with pride. The Brits are those that say, 'yes, it's a shithole, but it's our shithole and I dare you to say something'. It's not that I can't wait to get back to England becaise I can, but when I get there I will be pleased and I will appreciate everything a lot more than I did when I left.

Oh, and jeans. I really fucking miss wearing jeans.

Symbolism.

"Yesterday, you said tomorrow." - NIKE

I have this necklace I wear, it's a gun, more accurate to say a Smith and Wesson revolver probably but whatever. It's no longer than my thumb in length and copper in colour, well it was - it's faded now to a charcoal grey. It's not on its original chain nor its original adjoining clip. I bought it in June 2012, 3 for £10 in Camden Market, London with my sister. I wear it every single day. Not because I want to seem bad ass with a gun around my neck and not because it's anything spectacular - not for any kind of superficial reason at all. I wear it because of what it means to me. To me, it's a symbol of life and death. It's there to remind me every day that today could be my last day, that I shouldn't have regrets and I should always do what I want to - what makes me happy. It's there to remind me I should always say what it is I need to say, for it I were to die and I left something unsaid a certain person would never know what it was I wanted to tell them. That I should tell those I love every day that I love them so they wouldn't have to doubt that when I'm gone. it's Carpe Diem, it's YOLO, really because they are both true - seize the day because you really do only live once.

"Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss" - F. Scott Fitzgerald.

 and that's true also. Once we're gone, people will talk about the things we did, and the things we couldn't done but we didn't. So this gun reminds me every day to live a life I would want people to talk about. People are fighting wars so that I can stay alive, I want to live a life worth someone risking their own life for.

"I want to taste and glory in each day and never be afraid to experience pain." - Sylvia Plath.

Ethos.

ethos n. Characteristic spirit of community, people, or system. [GK (e-) = character, nature, disposition

#12: Music. (The Firefly Festival)

There is something about music that brings people together. I feel like if you really like the music you're listening to, nothing can go wrong. Like Jimi Hendrix said, 'Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in the world, it can only happen through music." I really feel like that;s the truest thing anyone has ever said.

Music, live, loud music especially, is exceptional.

If you just close your eyes and let it take over your body, ride the music like a wave, let the music flow through your veins. Focus on nothing but that and your body will move in time. Lose your mind, submerge your soul. All your worrys and woes, you cares and concerns just won't matter anymore. This is applicable to all those whom music really mattes to - which is why music brings people together, and it's why only music can really change the world. I really just can't explain the feel I get whilst listening to music. It's relief, almot, when song just exactly nails how I am, be it a sad song or an opinion - whatever, it's a relief to know I'm not the only one that's felt those feelings and had those thoughts. One hears a song one can relate to and instantly knows that it will be ok because this band or artist is singing about it too, they've been through it and have survived so one will be ok in the end. That's why music brings people together, because humans are evolved to congregate for survival, and those who listen to similar music congregate for similar reasons. If you aren't a music person you probably won't understand what I'm trying to convey but if you are then you know the feeling I'm talking about; that feeling in the pit of your stomach and in the bottom of your heart and in the core of your very being. It takes over your mind, your body, and your soul completely, and it will do whenever you hear that song for the rest of your life.

Take pleasure in that.

Serbian Proverb.

Be humble for you are made of earth, 
be noble for you are made of stars.

Love for the Universe.

What is love?

love is when someone says your name and it sounds safe on their tongue.

The Moon's Cycle.

#11: The Moon.

Did you know the suns gravity is only 34% that of the moons? That's why the moon controls our tides. People can predict the tides because they know which stage the moon is in in its cycle. and where abouts it is in relation to the Earth. The tides are always highest around midday because that's when the sun and the moon are directly opposite each other the most. That's also why the Earth isn't perfectly round - it warps at the sides, this is because the sun and the moon are pulling against each other and it affects the water. Now, I'm no scientist - it was a miracle I even passed my science class, I barely even studied geography either so I don't know if this is exactly right- my explanations might be a bit off and I'm probably missing a few details here and there but, in essence, I'm pretty sure this is relatively correct.

The Moon and it's craters.

#10: a Rare Lapse

Sometimes I can't help but think... egotistically and unnecessarily and in far too much depth about things that, in the bigger picture, are not that important. Today's topic of thought is how I look. More often than not, I am satisfied with the way I look. I am aware I'm not ugly, but I'm not drop dead gorgeous either but that's ok because being drop dead gorgeous seems like far too much effort for me, too much caring about exercises and diets and all sorts - things that aren't my topmost concern. But as I'm looking in the mirror, my hair is too short and too wiry, my face too pudgy, my belly just completely out of proportion. I hate thinking like this, I never think like this but I know why these thoughts cross my mind. It's my cousins. It's not their fault, but they are the reason. They're both gorgeous; lovely slender figures, clear skin, perfect hair they never have to touch, neither of them need or wear makeup. It's hard being surrounded by text book beauty when  you're nowhere close to it I guess. And I know, I know, that looks don't matter and it's what is inside that matters - I know that more than anyone, I am a very firm believer in that fact but everyone is allowed a lapse and today is mine. Tomorrow, I'll be fine, next week too but I'll have another day like this sooner or later, where nothing looks good on and my hair won't stay right and I'll just want to not doing anything because I'm simply unsatisfied with the way I look.
I'm so sad the media has twisted what is and isn't beautiful. Who is it to tell you what you think of yourself? Of those around you? Who would we think beautiful if our ideas of beauty hadn't been manipulated and true beauty obscured?

Philadelphia Museum of Art.

The true artist helps the world by revealing mystic truths.

#09: Brace Yourself and Remember.

The waves crashing on the shore is all I can hear, No one is saying anything. The sun is beating down on my body. I can feel it warming every inch of my skin. Someone says something about riding the waves - I'm not sure what that means, I wasn't paying attention. "Alright, let's go!" Everyone is getting up and walking to the sea, I follow. The water is cold but I've been in colder - not bragging but that's what happens when you're half Scottish. I stare out at the horizon, it's breathtaking - a straight line where sea meets sky; two shades of that blue/grey colour one often finds at the beach. The ocean is roaring in my ears - calming roar, a roar that soothes the soul. I can't help but think how easy it would be to just walk into the waves and not look back, never look back. To get swept away by the ride, to let it take me some place far away. Not that I'm suicidal, this just seems like such a graceful way to die. It looks so inviting, creeping up the shoreline, enticing me. I close me eyes and let the ocean fill my mind. I hear it, smell it, taste it, feel it so much stronger now my sight has gone - I can see it perfectly in my mind. I open my eyes and it's almost a perfect mirror of my mental image. I suddenly realise I am all alone. Shit. Where'd everybody go? Simply deeper in and slightly to my left. Riding the waves. I get it now. They're jumping and diving depending how big the wave is. It looks fun., I've never done it before. I start wading my way out and my cousins comes back for me, she grabs my hand, 'just go when I go' she hollers. I get ready. We make a break for it when there's a break in the onslaught of waves. Adam is within arms length, I grab his hand - the current is very strong this far out. He pulls us further. I duck under a wave, ride the next two, then duck again, the current tries to pull me out, I hold on to Adam with all my might under the water. I resurface, can't touch the floor. My heart races, I know panicking won't help but I do it anyway, I swim back to shallower waters - at least so I can stand, as I'm swimming a wave takes me unawares, then another and I still can't touch the floor. Underwater I get tossed about, the current really doesn't look this strong, it's deceiving. I feel arms around me; strong, taught muscles lifting me up, breaking my head above the water. I have never been this glad to see Adam before in my life. He swims me back a bit until I can stand, he lets go but keeps hold of my hand. A wave comes, the biggest yet - I brace myself, we duck, his grip slides then he's gone completely. Alone, I am nothing against the water and the waves drag me ruthlessly up the shore, tossing and turning me upside down, battering my body. I hit my head in the ocean floor. I breathe in a mouthful of sea. I come up to air choking, no longer caring how I get there, all I know is I need to get to shore and quickly at that. I run up the surf and collapse just before wet sand meets dry sand. My legs are shaking, my head is pounding, my mouth tastes like salt and I'm still choking up water. My eyes sting, my heart races. I have to steady myself. Brighton (that's my cousin) comes running, 'are you ok?' I hate seeming like a pussy. Caitlin is here now too, though I'm really not sure that's her name. "I'm just going to lay down for a bit ok. I'll be fine, we don't do this in England. I've never, ever done what I just did. I'm fine, ok, I'm ok" I stagger back to my towel, I find myself collapsing again and my body goes limp. My head still pounds. Shit, what if I have concussion? I find my pulse and count my beats per minute which is stupid because I don't know my average BPM anyway, nor do I have anything to time a minute with. I focus instead on keeping my eyes ope. There are two spots on my head, the mirrored version of the other pounding incessantly. I gingerly touch with my fingers just to check I'm not bleeding. Perhaps I was being over dramatic as, when I withdraw my hands, there's no blood. I guess I'm better safe than sorry. I reapply my sunblock, eat my sandwich and replenish my thirst - stabilize myself, basically. I feel a lot better now, my body still hurts but that's ok. The tide is strong, stronger than it looks. I walk back to the shoreline and sit on the wet sand, dry sand line. The foamy fingers of the ocean are reaching out to me - grabbing at my feet, trying to drag me back to it's depth - the land of no return. It looks just as serene as it had when I was first looking but I'm wiser now. I don't go back in, instead I just watch the others fooling about in the waves, occasionally counting heads to make sure they are all still there. I can feel sand rain down my back every time I turn my head. The sun is perfectly situated in the sky, at it's highest point, beating down from all the way up there, the rays are still glorious when they reach my skin. I close my eyes absorbing the moment, trying to capture this moment forever how wonderfully warm I am, how peaceful my entire body is, my mind is a white blank page. all my attention is simply remembering now so in the future I can look back and I'll always remember how happy I once was, how I am right this very moment.