#07: Revelations.

I can't get that stupid song out of my head. It's been stuck on an internal repeat since about 3pm, when we were driving about to Lewes, it's now 9:14 and I still can't get rid of it. I'd say 'ich habe ein ohr wurm' if I were German. 'Even the sun sets in paradise' is the bridge and it echoes between the walls of my mind, giving me a non-physical headache. It's an aching of the head that I can't feel but I am aware of it's presence. I am also aware that what I just said makes little to no sense. It came out of nowhere and hit me with a fistful of my own memories. I don't understand why this happens, one song will just throw me out for the entire day. I don't understand why this happens, why I have to keep thinking about it - why can't I just let it go? I should be having fun - there's new people, new jokes, new experiences - it's my first ever American 4th of July but instead I'm dragging baggage from practically another life into this fresh mindset I'm trying to adopt. I feel like there's a hole in my heart that can only be filled with specifics... specifics that just aren't mine to indulge in anymore. My feeling like this is ridiculous, completely unjustifiable. I was over it months ago; I was starting to get over it before it had even officially ended - i knew the end was inevitable, more when than if. I began wishing it would run it's course sooner rather than later if I'm honest. I know that's a terrible thing to wish for. I ran away because I was afraid - I know that now. And it's now I wish I could go back and try again, try harder but I know I can't. It would be counter-productive. It would be over before it had the chance to begin. I'm over it and I need to move on. sometimes I just miss feeling special - my attitudes now don't need me to feel special, they just 'get the job done' to put it crudely. Thinking like this makes me think perhaps I have moved on and I don't miss you per say. I'm saying you because it feels easier to directly address you than to refer to you in the third person. I'm also saying you because you're the only one I've had to feel this much for, for so long. The others were nowhere as consequential. It's only ever been you, really. And now you're not at all. From basically every day for four years to perhaps once every four months. So yes, I miss you: you were my rock. But I also miss who you were: again, you were my rock. But I miss you separately in these two ways. I miss you specifically and I miss the person you represented. The person you represented will always change, I'm just waiting for the next one to fill your shoes (they are both big and little shoes to fill, I'm sure you understand why) but the person you were to me, that's an empty place no one could ever fill. I hope you know this, but I doubt you do. I just need you, in the very core of your being, to know this without question, explanation, or actual need to be told because I could never tell you this, what I've just said, because it's too intimate for the current state of our relationship. If you could even call it that anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I meant it when I told you I loved you but sometimes I know it's the truest thing I've ever said.