#09: Brace Yourself and Remember.

The waves crashing on the shore is all I can hear, No one is saying anything. The sun is beating down on my body. I can feel it warming every inch of my skin. Someone says something about riding the waves - I'm not sure what that means, I wasn't paying attention. "Alright, let's go!" Everyone is getting up and walking to the sea, I follow. The water is cold but I've been in colder - not bragging but that's what happens when you're half Scottish. I stare out at the horizon, it's breathtaking - a straight line where sea meets sky; two shades of that blue/grey colour one often finds at the beach. The ocean is roaring in my ears - calming roar, a roar that soothes the soul. I can't help but think how easy it would be to just walk into the waves and not look back, never look back. To get swept away by the ride, to let it take me some place far away. Not that I'm suicidal, this just seems like such a graceful way to die. It looks so inviting, creeping up the shoreline, enticing me. I close me eyes and let the ocean fill my mind. I hear it, smell it, taste it, feel it so much stronger now my sight has gone - I can see it perfectly in my mind. I open my eyes and it's almost a perfect mirror of my mental image. I suddenly realise I am all alone. Shit. Where'd everybody go? Simply deeper in and slightly to my left. Riding the waves. I get it now. They're jumping and diving depending how big the wave is. It looks fun., I've never done it before. I start wading my way out and my cousins comes back for me, she grabs my hand, 'just go when I go' she hollers. I get ready. We make a break for it when there's a break in the onslaught of waves. Adam is within arms length, I grab his hand - the current is very strong this far out. He pulls us further. I duck under a wave, ride the next two, then duck again, the current tries to pull me out, I hold on to Adam with all my might under the water. I resurface, can't touch the floor. My heart races, I know panicking won't help but I do it anyway, I swim back to shallower waters - at least so I can stand, as I'm swimming a wave takes me unawares, then another and I still can't touch the floor. Underwater I get tossed about, the current really doesn't look this strong, it's deceiving. I feel arms around me; strong, taught muscles lifting me up, breaking my head above the water. I have never been this glad to see Adam before in my life. He swims me back a bit until I can stand, he lets go but keeps hold of my hand. A wave comes, the biggest yet - I brace myself, we duck, his grip slides then he's gone completely. Alone, I am nothing against the water and the waves drag me ruthlessly up the shore, tossing and turning me upside down, battering my body. I hit my head in the ocean floor. I breathe in a mouthful of sea. I come up to air choking, no longer caring how I get there, all I know is I need to get to shore and quickly at that. I run up the surf and collapse just before wet sand meets dry sand. My legs are shaking, my head is pounding, my mouth tastes like salt and I'm still choking up water. My eyes sting, my heart races. I have to steady myself. Brighton (that's my cousin) comes running, 'are you ok?' I hate seeming like a pussy. Caitlin is here now too, though I'm really not sure that's her name. "I'm just going to lay down for a bit ok. I'll be fine, we don't do this in England. I've never, ever done what I just did. I'm fine, ok, I'm ok" I stagger back to my towel, I find myself collapsing again and my body goes limp. My head still pounds. Shit, what if I have concussion? I find my pulse and count my beats per minute which is stupid because I don't know my average BPM anyway, nor do I have anything to time a minute with. I focus instead on keeping my eyes ope. There are two spots on my head, the mirrored version of the other pounding incessantly. I gingerly touch with my fingers just to check I'm not bleeding. Perhaps I was being over dramatic as, when I withdraw my hands, there's no blood. I guess I'm better safe than sorry. I reapply my sunblock, eat my sandwich and replenish my thirst - stabilize myself, basically. I feel a lot better now, my body still hurts but that's ok. The tide is strong, stronger than it looks. I walk back to the shoreline and sit on the wet sand, dry sand line. The foamy fingers of the ocean are reaching out to me - grabbing at my feet, trying to drag me back to it's depth - the land of no return. It looks just as serene as it had when I was first looking but I'm wiser now. I don't go back in, instead I just watch the others fooling about in the waves, occasionally counting heads to make sure they are all still there. I can feel sand rain down my back every time I turn my head. The sun is perfectly situated in the sky, at it's highest point, beating down from all the way up there, the rays are still glorious when they reach my skin. I close my eyes absorbing the moment, trying to capture this moment forever how wonderfully warm I am, how peaceful my entire body is, my mind is a white blank page. all my attention is simply remembering now so in the future I can look back and I'll always remember how happy I once was, how I am right this very moment.