Being home is so odd. Before I left and while I was away I didn't give much time to thinking about what was happening back home - I wondered what was going on, of course, but I never really thought about people themselves and what was going on there.
I've come home and I feel like everything is different now but no one has changed; it's almost as if I never left in the first place. Despite this, I've realised how much I have changed in some aspects. I went to work on Friday and it was nice but it was also so same old - the people just... they're flat, there's no life to them. I went out for a drink afterwards and I couldn't help feeling the same about so many people I was talking to. It's as if they don't realise that they are alive and they can do anything they want to. I don't remember what time I made it home but I fell asleep uneasy.
The next day, Saturday, I met a friend whom I love which was lovely. She is going to Uni soon in Canterbury which is a few hours away from where I live. I'm frightened I won't see her enough, she is one of the only people I am adamant about not losing contact with, although I don't know if she knows that or not... I should tell her. Saturday night I went out with some friends for some drinks and that's when I realised what was different about myself. For one, I realised I didn't want to get drunk like the others and I realised I couldn't think of anything worse than shots. I realised I couldn't bitch and moan about people, I couldn't even listen to it without getting bored, it's simply not productive in anyway, nor will I gain from it. The main thing, however, is I simply did something stupid. It's not uncommon, many drunk people do many stupid things and wake in the morning generally regretting their actions. I woke on Sunday morning slightly tinged with regret but I was also grateful. I was grateful that it happened because it put a lot in perspective for me. I realised who I was and what I wanted, who I wanted to be and most importantly the opposite of those. I know now who I am not, what I don't want and who I do not want to be. I feel a lot more intune with myself by default and I'm now starting to get my priorities straight.
I can't yet decide if my wake up call happened in the best way or the worst way but it most certainly happened the most effective way. I'm done with the trials of my past, I want to walk down a new road now. I'm basically sick and tired of the same old shit, day in, day out; if something doesn't give, I'm going to go crazy. I'm going to apply myself to only positive things and only focus on bad points in a constructive way. I won't be around people who bring out the worst in me but only those that make me a better person. I know there's a big difference in say something on a blog and actually applying to real life but I am going to try my hardest. I don't bother and I let myself set in my ways I know where and how I could end up and I don't want that at all. This is absolutely and wholeheartedly for the best.
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