Last day at the beach.

Wave goodbye to the waves.

John Green

Maybe our favourite quotations say more about us
than about the stories and people we're quoting.

The Uses of Sorrow.

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

Pictures.

Prioritizing Friends.

Being here for so long I've really learnt a lot about my friends. Who my real, no matter what, friend are and who the passers by are. Real friends aren't the ones you see every day, they're the one you can go months without seeing but it will feel like it was only yesterday. I've been very surprised with who I've been keeping in contact with and who simply just hasn't bothered. The ones I thought I'd miss the most, who I thought I'd message every other day or so, I've barely spoken to and the ones I have spoken to frequently aren't the ones I see frequently. It's been weird to wrap my head around. I definitely have been let down by those who promised more and it's a shame, but it's life. At least when I'm back I can prioritize who I see and hang out with rather than waste my time with people who aren't that bothered. I don't want to be surrounded by people who only half mean what they say, if that. From now on, I'm only being around those that bring out the best in me.
Kind of nervous about going home but deep breaths and don't let the fuckers get you down.

Finish: Charles Bukowski

We are like roses that have never bothered to

bloom when we should have bloomed

it is as if

the sun has become disgusted with

waiting. 

Rehoboth Beach.

Rehoboth.

Joe's house: my penultimate Wednesday.

My last time hanging out with these guys makes me realise how quickly my summer has gone. I think back to the first time I met them, at Zack's, then again properly at Joe's. Now it's goodbye, full circle.
Adam and Andrew pick me up around 2pm in Adam' Mustang, Andrew plays Metronomy - they're going to make it to my songs of this summer playlist. We catch up, it's been a few days or so. At Joe's, a few people are already in the pool, there a more to come. I go to the basement to change into my bathing suit, still amazed at how friendly I am with these people who were, not too long ago, complete strangers. 
We play some weird ass made up game with an American football and the floaty noodles. We talk about the future, the summer. We eat pizza bites, mac n cheese and sloppy joes. We talk about drunken experiences, I tell them about my time at Beth's. We get back in the pool for a bit. Joe and Brian go to pick up Bumper Girl meanwhile Adam, Alex, Jordan, Andrew and I fool around with the football - both English and American - and the frisbee. Alex gets hit by the latter and acquires a lump the size of a golf ball on her shin. We finally meet the alleged Bumper Girl (long and ongoing story). More people turn up, a few leave. We talk, play, laugh. I can't help but feel so grateful to these people who just invited me into their lives, no questions asked. They didn't have to, especially with Brighton gone these last few week. It gets late, we head into the basement and play pool, darts, N64 and fool around with the fitness equipment. I  learn the Spoon Game and the Super Hard Sit-up. I say goodbye to a few people for some depart  for college either on or before the weekend and have other things  they have to attend to. Everyone complains Thomas still hasn't arrived, it's getting late and he receives multiple texts and voice-mails. They're mad because they care, he leaves tomorrow and they still haven't seen him to say goodbye. Eventually he answers with a reassuring, 'I'll be over in twenty'. I'm glad, I like Thomas and it'll be nice to say goodbye to him properly. Joe gets out the Cool Story Box and everyone gathers round. Post it after post it of inside jokes and funny stories of the past few years of their lives. Some things I laugh at too, somethings I can't because I simply don't understand.  Andrew's shirt>hair>glasses twitch is in there and so is the summer we met Emily. It's nice to think that when they next have the CSB out in a few months, a year or so, they'll read my post it and say one or two nice things about me before moving on. I'm indulging myself that. The box is put away as Thomas arrives - it's good to see him. We sit, chat, laugh. It really has been nice knowing him. I wish we could've hung out a bit more but maybe next year. All too soon he leaves, he departs at 6am for college so an early night is in order. He tells me to add him on Skype. We hug, then he's gone. Our attention is focused on Smash Bros, turns out I'm not as bad as I thought I was. Joe and I ever win a game or two against Adam and Zack. But I'm tired, cold and still a bit wet from the pool and I bore quickly. It's almost 2am before Adam decides we should go and  Joe kicks us out. I teach Adam 'butterz' and 'dank' on the way home - some last minute English slang (after out Cockney Rhyming Slang that we went through earlier). As we pull in the driveway I thank him for everything and say goodbye. I'm glad i met Adam, too. He's such a nice gut, it really has been a pleasure acquainting myself with their friendship circle. I'm glad I got to meet them all. 

Fuming.

Just, fuck everything.
FUCK IT ALL.
People will always let you down, that is the only thing you can ever count on them for. 

Sinners Talk.

Leaving little to the imagination,

perfection with no set definition.

Bountiful and voluptuous,

and just plain scandalous.

You won't make it through the night,

we both know two wrongs don't make a right.

and even in that first glance 

you knew you'd never stand a chance.

Speaking the Devil's language now,

it tastes of lust - I can taste

you on my tongue, we won't be long,

not one will realise we're gone.

It was nothing, it was everything - 

what was your name again?

My delight before the moonlight,

we fell in love for the night.

#17 America: Different things.

England and America are very different, obviously, I knew that, I could've told you that before I got here. What I mean is, living here I've had to adjust to a lot of things. Again, I could've told you that before I got here. But I mean I'm adjusting to things I never realised would be a factor. Like when I can take a shower, what time dinner is, needing my sunglasses basically every day Then there are things like my speech - apparently I mumble a lot, but I always pronounce my t's.  I don't want to all them issues because they aren't causing problems but I can't think of a better word so there are a lot of issues that are being picked up on that I never realised would be so.
The one I've noticed the most, the one that I thought would never ever be an issue, the one I figured would be a God send but quite frankly isn't, is simply the air conditioning.
I mean, at first, when I wasn't used to the heat I love it. It really hit the spot, a nice cool breeze on my face. Now just to be clear, I don't like the air in England either. It's so unnecessary, just open the window! I know it can get a little loud but so what?  Just speak up, turn up the radio! There's no more a glorious feeling than the wind on your face and running through your hair. Air con is stale, it doesn't feel nice on your skin. It's cold and sterile, it makes me feel kind of nauseous. I just, I don't know, like I said, I think it's unnecessary I guess. I mean, what is wrong with opening the window and just feeling Mother Nature frolicking about your being? I know I've said that many times in many a words but that is exactly my point. It's there, a constant, reminding you that you are, in fact, going somewhere, not just sat in a room of stale, second hand air.

"Forget not that the Earth delights to feel your bare feet and the wind longs to play with your hair" (- Kahlil Gibran.) 

At the end of the day, it's all about the Earth, it's all about nature; embracing it, enjoying it because without it where would we be? I think mankind has become too caught up with technology and is so concerned with its benefits that is' downfalls are being overlooked. I think everyone should just turn everything off and step outside. I think we need to listen to the birdsong and watch the sun rise, we need to feel sand between our toes and the grass tickle our nose. We need to be reminded how refreshing it is, how really good it feels to feel the wind caressing our skin before it gets too late for I fear it might be too late a lot sooner than expected.

#16: The Rocks

I'm calm. So peaceful and calm, serene in fact. Andrew, Brighton, Peter and Thomas are in the water, riding the waves. After my first and last experience, I don't fancy trying my hand at is again any time soon. Instead, I'm on the rocks. I'm so relaxed, the only though on my mind is how relaxed I am. The reliable, rhythmic pattern of the waves and the consistency of the horizon reminds me of the reliable, rhythmic  and consistent patterns in life. The ocean's foamy fingertips break at the shore and the surf makes swirly white patterns for just a second before they're recalled back into the great body of water only for it to happen again, and again, and again. It breaks, it gets unbroken. Standard. Ever though if, one day, the sea just stops and all the water is still? Imagine going to the beach, or on a boat and the water just didn't move? How beyond absurd would that be? I feel like that would be such a devastation. I wonder how it would affect the fish and all the other live down under. I hope that never happens. 
I think I'd like to be a marine biologist. Although, I'm not really sure what that would entail. What does a marine biologist do? I would like to work with the creature of the deep though. Perhaps I'd clean the shores or something. I'd love to make whale documentaries or something. How interesting would your life be if you spent a great deal of it in a place you couldn't breath without assistance?
There are two guys fishing, their methodical approach is comforting; a father and a son from Baltimore, they've been here a week, today is their last day. Yesterday they caught 50 fish (blue fish, whatever they are). The father was asking me about my life in England - where I'm from, what my major is (explaining that our school system is different was too much so I went with), what I want to do - he realised I was Scottish pretty sharpish due to the colour of my hair, my freckles, and my complexion. His son lost his glasses, man do I know that feeling. Speaking of, my glasses are breaking, I'm going to have to take them to the opticians when I get home. Home. What a place. You know what I realised this morning? I can't remember what colour our plates are. You know, our dinner dishes, cups and bowls (matching set). I cannot for the life of me remember what they look like. Similarly, about a week ago, I forgot the colour of a £10 note. I could not at all it's orangey tone beside the face. I'm pretty sure that face has a beard but I could be wrong. I'm forgetting things I never even realised I could forget. I've even forgotten the sound of my own Mothers voice. How terrible is that? It's ok though, I'm calling her tomorrow, it's her birthday. I've sent her a presents without telling and I haven't mentioned it in any of my emails.  She'll definitely be surprised when she hears my voice tomorrow and even more so when her gift arrives. Bless her, I do love my Mother. I can't wait to see her again.

N.B I do not miss home.

My Miss List #2

It's weird what you miss. I didn't think I'd miss anything. I knew I wouldn't miss anybody - that's too much emotional effort and I've wasted too much of my life on missing people already, I don't know to continue. I knew I'd miss my Mother, I don't yet but I will in a couple of weeks perhaps and I feel bad saying that because I know she misses me but I just don't miss people, period - she's the only possible exception to that rule. I guess I miss my cats in a way, I'm with them 90% of the time I am at home. They're gorgeous, fluffy, warm, they have the most relaxing purrs, they're company, the perfect size, the know my mood - they really are the best companions. My Mother and my cats, that's it.
I miss objects that I never thought I would, things that never crossed my mind that I would miss. I miss low ceilings, fry-ups, I miss being able to walk place, Jack Daniels, my jobs and working, chicken, the gym. English adverts, our bath tub, driving on the left, British accents, Dave (the channel), our record player, Orion (I can't find him here), Cadbury's, insults (Americans just don't insult like us Brits do), the colours on our notes, Aquafresh, terraced housing.
I'll admit, it's an odd list of things and I've probably missed a bunch out but you get the picture. I used to think I hated England and everything about it and it's not that I haven't been there for five weeks that I'm starting to realise how decent it actually is. I mean, I love America but England is something special. I guess my point is you should appreciate what you have while you have it and you shouldn't take anything for granted. Yawn, how cliché, right? But seriously, people would tell me I'd miss England and I never believed them because, in all honestly, it is pretty shit. But that's it! I miss it's shitness and how it wears it with pride. The Brits are those that say. 'yes, it's a shithole, but it's our shithole. I dare you to say something.' It's not that I can't wait to get back to England because I can, but when I get there I will be pleased and I will appreciate everything a lot more than I did when I left.

Finish: Charles Bukowski.

Charles Bukowski.

Lemony Snicket.

15: The Fleeting People.

"Oh, the people I've met are the wonders of my world." (Adele)

I want you to think about something for a minute. Think about you family, your friends, your co-workers, ex school mates, x lovers, the people you always see but don't know, those that work in the places you frequent, think of all the people that you know - however well you know the, they are in your life and that's standard. But what about those you only meet once? The people you meet standing in line or on transportation, at a gig - all those random places you temporarily make friends. And for however a brief a conversation you have with this person and no matter how well you get along with the person, you both just go your separate  ways and never see each other again.
I'm not going to talk about two people. The first, a woman I met on the plane en route to America. She returning from a business trip; she's an accountant and had been working in London for two weeks. It was her first visit to England and she really likes it there, and really enjoyed her time spent in London. She worked five day weeks and got weekends off which she used to explore the area, her husband joined her for the first week of her trip. They both took home English goodies. She could've stayed longer but on the Monday she was having a scan to determine the sex of her baby - she was very excited. That was 40 days ago. I wonder where she is now.
The second person I'm going to talk about is a guy I met at the Firefly Festival, we were waiting for the Killers for ninety minutes so a friendship was inevitable. His name was Jake. We talked the entire time we waited and we talked throughout the gig also. He was around fifteen years my senior, wearing an old baseball cap, it was clear he wasn't a 'ladies man'. When I took off my shirt (I wasn't the only one, 50% of the crowd were in a similar suit. It was a very hot evening) leaving my in only my bra he didn't look while I was looking at him. Only when I turned away did his eyes start to stay; he did it in a way that made it clear he was looking but not gawking. A way that wasn't pervy, just men's nature. I doubted he had a girlfriend. His temporary interest in me was endearing - it really was a pleasure to meet him.
I wish I could keep in touch with him, and the woman from the plane all the hundreds of people I've met briefly in my time on this planet that I've just bonded with, no questions asked. But I think that that may be the beauty of these types of friendships: they're fleeting, their trails balze and you always wish they last longer. They are the shooting stars or relationships.

Soul Mates?I think they exist. Just not always romantically. I think there are certain people you will meet in your life who you just connect with more than anyone else and you just know it isn't a typical thing and you udnerstand each other perfectly. And this person always be your ''significant other'', I mean, it could be your friend or sibling or parent or teacher or the person you're dating or whoever, it could be just about anyone you've ever interacted with.

Buddha.

Each day we are born again, what we do today is what matters most.

#14: The Story of my Heart.

"The things you regret most are the things you didn't do."

So. There's this guy. Of course there is, I'm ane ighteen year old girl, obviously there's a guy. And if there was a guy there would still be some kind of significant male. Anyway, this guy. He's funny, intelligent, attractive, easy going, dresses well, listens to music the way I do, we get along perfectly. We share opinions and views but we're also different in complimentary ways. I guess you could say we balance eachother out. He's so genuine. That's what I like most about him. There's a really strong sense of sincerity wheneber he says something. He just seems like the kind of gut that wouldn't lie. I feel like he's never really been hurt. Maybe I'm wrong but that's how it seems. I guess we're different in that aspect of life. I've been very hurt, over and over again. By someone I thought I could love and trust. Now, by default, I neither love nor trust. It's half a conscious choice, half reflex. It's not that I don't want to, I guess I'm scared to. I don't like being vulnerable, I don't like beinghurt - I'm sure no one else does but there's something else, something I can't put into words about my reluctance to surrender - it's like... it's not that I'm dead inside but I don't know if I'm capable anymore. Not to be over dramatic, but honestly, that's how I feel. 

    "Words do not express thoughts very well, they always become a little different imediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish." (Hermann Hesse)

There's a feeling in the tips of my fingers and the pit of my stomach and the tips of my toes that the English language hasn't accomodated for yet. There is no word, or colletion of words, to accurately impress how I am feeling. I guess he's what I want but something in me is convinced I hcan't have. I'll try with him when I get back - we both know there's a spark but I don't kno whow it will go. I have never been good with relationships. My first boyfriend cheated on my with my best friend, there there were a couple of non consequential guys who lasted simply weeks at a time and were more best friend than boyfriend material  . And then there was my last ex boyfriend. Who is very consequential. Who cheated on me and I took back. Who, during a few brief break ups, did the nasty with a close friend. He was a player in many ways, often he was like two different people. So, both of my major boyfriends have cheated on me, I hope now it's relatively easy tii understand why I feel the way I feel. I know shouldn't judge the masses on the minority but it's very easy to do. That's why I never get involved. I get so far in, panick, back out and avoid the guy until it's been made clear how I feel - I just don't trust people, is that my fault or would it be better to be naive? And wade into situations with my eyes closed, ignorant to the fact it had the potnetial to leave me a broken heartred, sobbing mess? The latter is inacurate - I don't c ry. I'm not a crier. I haven't cried since my brother left Afghanistan. When you have something like that to cry about, everything else pales in comparison I guess. Sometimes I wish I were less guarded and could openly and enthusiastically give myself to another person. Oh, here's another thing: I don't believe in love, but that's a whole nother kettle of a fish, a whole nother entry.

 "Many people still confuse attachment with love. Attachments are about fear and dependency, and have more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn't about what others can give you because you're empty, it's about what you can give others - because you're already full. " (Yasmin Mogahed)

I don't want to get attached to him and I know I literally just said I dont' believe love exists but my theory is 'it's harder to prove something doesn't exist, than to prove it does.' But the thing, I don't think I'm metaphorically full yet so I have nothing to give him and that's what concerns me right now. When it all boils down to make or break, I don't want him to change his mind becaise I know this has potential - but what if he doesn't realise this? Instead of behing the one left, I avoid the situation by doing the leaving but this time I'm going to try really hard to sitck it out. Man, I'm not going to lie but I like this guy. I'm just really nervous.

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." (Christopher Columbus)