Self pic.

Mark Haddon.

Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time.

A Week in the Life,

The last time I blogged it was almost a week ago, I've since realized that my updates will not be regularly or even routinely but please know they will come and they will be relatively lengthy.  I'm not sure what, if anything has changed since Sunday but I'll go through the week.
So, Sunday evening I had to leave the house... I was somewhat flabbergasted by a certain someone but I shan't disclose further as that's not something I wish to shed light on. Instead of staying at home I went out with a friend. He's the kind of guy I could not see for a year but bump into him and it was be as if we'd seen each other yesterday which is actually what had happened. When I was, say, around 15 I met him - he was older than I but I'm not sure of his age then. We hit it off immediately, not in a flirtatious way but pertaining to more of a brotherly type of friendliness. Throughout the year our friendship increased and we got closer and closer. In the August I attended his 18th birthday so when we met he must've been only 17, of course. Maybe a few months post his birthday we somewhat drifted apart due to circumstances neither of us could alter which I thought was ok, we'd had a good run. A few months past then we bump into each other again and keep in touch for a short while but again, we dwindled somewhat and our communication ceased. This happened a few more times until quite recently. I bumped into him in Tesco before I left for America and we promised we had to catch up and that we did. We went out and updated each other on what had been happening to us and it was lovely. He had always been such a good friend and I missed him in that way, I was somewhat short on good friends around that time so upon my departure I promised I'd contact him upon my return home - which I did that Sunday night. We went out, we laughed, we talked, we updated. He's always been able to cheer me up perfectly. I didn't get home until perhaps 2am.
Monday I was going to Lowestoft with my Mother as her side of the family live up there. We had a really nice day with different family members. We spent a long time wandering along the shore on the beach, I'm keen on my photography (if you hadn't noticed) so I spent a lot of time clicking away. The differences between beaches here and beaches in America were absolute; I didn't mind however, it was nice to walk and observe, opposed to laying and splashing about. We ventured home later than we should've but she didn't mind and neither did I.
Tuesday was a good day - I spent some time with friends I actually like and also a lot of time clearing out and up my bedroom, by the time I was finished I was really proud of myself. I then went to work for the first time since I'd been back. The shift went quickly and it was nice to see everyone again but by the time I finished I was so ready to go, I ached and felt like shit.  My boss bought me a drink as he talked to me about my possibilities in the kitchen as I'm not going to University. He said if I were interested he could sort me out an NVQ in catering which I am really interested in, I am thinking about it seriously at the moment in par with another apprenticeship I could be going into.
On the Wednesday I woke up feeling somewhat similar to death. My tonsils were swollen, my glands, my tongue and my face all swollen - it were terrible. I went to the doctors but they failed to book me an appointment, they also failed to call me back which I am rather put out about. It's a good job I'm used to tonsillitis. I met up with some friends for an hour then spent the rest of the day on the ouch in my pyjamas.
Thursday was a good day, I went to my friend Morgan's. He's brilliant, I love him so. We're so very similar, we watched Thor and comedians until it were time for me to come home, get ready and go out again. I was meeting up with the boy I blogged previously about. I do quite like him, he's nice and we had a lovely evening. He walked me home and kissed me upon my doorstep. 
It's now Friday and my Mother and I spent the day in Cambridge, I'm off to work in half an hour and tomorrow it's my Fathers birthday. 

I'm not sure sure why I've written about what I've done, I'm sure no one cares but once I'd started I'm simply couldn't stop, desire my still being ill this week has been nice. I still 100% want to go back to America but I'm here now so I may as well make the best of it.

Gene Stratton-Porter

If you are lazy and accept your lot, you may live in it. If you are willing to work, you can write your name anywhere you chose.

Harun Yahya.

Realization: a Wake Up Call.

Being home is so odd. Before I left and while I was away I didn't give much time to thinking about what was happening back home - I wondered what was going on, of course, but I never really thought about people themselves and what was going on there. 
I've come home and I feel like everything is different now but no one has changed; it's almost as if I never left in the first place. Despite this, I've realised how much I have changed in some aspects. I went to work on Friday and it was nice but it was also so same old - the people just... they're flat, there's no life to them. I went out for a drink afterwards and I couldn't help feeling the same about so many people I was talking to. It's as if they don't realise that they are alive and they can do anything they want to. I don't remember what time I made it home but I fell asleep uneasy.
The next day, Saturday, I met a friend whom I love which was lovely. She is going to Uni soon in Canterbury which is a few hours away from where I live. I'm frightened I won't see her enough, she is one of the only people I am adamant about not losing contact with, although I don't know if she knows that or not... I should tell her. Saturday night I went out with some friends for some drinks and that's when I realised what was different about myself. For one, I realised I didn't want to get drunk like the others and I realised I couldn't think of anything worse than shots.  I realised I couldn't bitch and moan about people, I couldn't even listen to it without getting bored, it's simply not productive in anyway, nor will I gain from it. The main thing, however, is I simply did something stupid. It's not uncommon, many drunk people do many stupid things and wake in the morning generally regretting their actions. I woke on Sunday morning slightly tinged with regret but I was also grateful. I was grateful that it happened because it put a lot in perspective for me. I realised who I was and what I wanted, who I wanted to be and most importantly the opposite of those. I know now who I am not, what I don't want and who I do not want to be. I feel a lot more intune with myself by default and I'm now starting to get my priorities straight.
I can't yet decide if my wake up call happened in the best way or the worst way but it most certainly happened the most effective way. I'm done with the trials of my past, I want to walk down a new road now. I'm basically sick and tired of the same old shit, day in, day out; if something doesn't give, I'm going to go crazy. I'm going to apply myself to only positive things and only focus on bad points in a constructive way. I won't be around people who bring out the worst in me but only those that make me a better person. I know there's a big difference in say something on a blog and actually applying to real life but I am going to try my hardest. I don't bother and I let myself set in my ways I know where and how I could end up and I don't want that at all. This is absolutely and wholeheartedly for the best.

Sleeping with Someone

the Whirlwind of Return.

Being home is crazy. I'm not sure what I expected to return to but I don't think this is it. First of all, I didn't actually think I would be cold but I am but every so often I will become unbearably hot for maybe ten minutes then I go straight back to being cold - as my Uncle would say, I can't find my happy medium. The other things I've noticed, which I figured would be issues, are I'm not hungry at the right time, and I'm not tired when I should be as a result of this I haven't had a 'proper dinner' since I've been home. 
Seeing people that I haven't seen in so long is nice too, friends that I love and would die for have been a pleasure to catch up with and see again after so long apart. Hearing all about what I've missed is a very nice welcome back but I also realise how glad I am I wasn't involved with any of it. This town will forever remain the same; I can't take the bitchy ways of 90& of the inhabitants for much longer, I just wish we could all get along, I know that sounds terribly cliché but that's absolutely how I feel. I've made so many plans with people that I've had to start writing the times and places down so I don't forget or get muddled. 
It's nice being back and in my own room again, while I was away my Mother decorated it how I wanted it as a surprise and I am really grateful for that. I finally get to put things where and how I want them which gives me something to do. As we hadn't moved in too long before I left I didn't get to do much organising and putting things where they should be but I get to do all that now and it's been made easier as my selves and such are up. While I was away, I was sharing my cousins bed and it was lovely - there was always someone to talk to right before sleep drags you away. There's something comforting in that, those few words before you go. Conversations on the brink of sleep are always the truest. It was a nice thought knowing there was someone sleeping beside me that loved me. Now I'm back to my basement bedroom alone and the only company is up two flights of stairs. I love sleeping with people, not in the sexual way, just sleeping next to someone is comfortable I guess. 
I am excited to go back to work tonight at the Chinese (one job of my three) because the people I work for so are so lovely and kind; they also give me dinner with my nights pay which I could not appreciate more! Then afterwards I'm perhaps going out in town for a drink with some friends which will be good - I'll get to see a lot of people I haven't yet.
All in all being home is ok, but I wouldn't mind going back to America next week. It's not bad here and I love so many people but my life isn't here, it never has been and it never will be. I don't know where my life is on the Globe but I know nothing exciting is going to happen to me in Suffolk.

En Route!

It's been such a long day.
Like I said, I woke up around eight thirty and gave up on any more sleep - that clearly was no longer an option. Instead, I get up, make tea and have a few biscuits. I remember flying here, how hungry I was the entire day because I just did not eat in the morning... or the afternoon for that matter. That shan't be the case today, I really want to eat a lot so I don't end up running on reserves by the end of the day. I check my emails, finally something from my Mother. I haven't heard from her in a good five days; she says the internet is still playing up. I definitely need to give them a call and complain when I get back because this isn't good enough. I shower and pack some final bits. Eat some waffles. Sit with the dog. Lay on the bed. So many different things to do, I can't settle. My flight isn't until tonight, we're not leaving for hours yet. I simply can't decide what to do with myself. I feel so antsy. I feel like Kelsey, she gets like this more often than I do. I don't like it. I can't sit still.We eventually leave around two pm. Earlier than we said but I'm quietly thankful - I don't think I could've sat for another thirty minutes. I know I'm sat in the car but at least we're doing something, we're en route instead of stationary. I have a secret dread that my suitcase is going to weigh too much. Shit, I don't even have enough money to pay for it if it comes to that. Money has been a nightmare this summer but it's ok, it's over now, I can start paying back. 
We finally reach Whole Foods and, of course, it doesn't let me down. It's perfect as usual. I get a delicious sandwich and then a chocolate cupcake for afterwards - like I said, I want to eat a lot today. As we're eating there is a thunderous boom, an almighty clap - it momentarily knocks the thoughts out of my head. I follow the gaze of every other person in the building and avert my eyes toward the window. It appears the heavens have opened. To say it was raining would be a horrendous understatement. It was pouring, sheeting, tipping, bucketing down. All of the above, combined. It was raining so hard that the drops (drops being the operative word, perhaps it would be more accurate to call them something that would imply a bigger droplet) were bouncing off the pavement. The sound of the rain hitting the tin roof was bone shattering, it were as if the roof could've caved in. Then came the thunder. The bgigest clap of thunder I have witnesed since my arrival in the States. The lightning comes almost immediately. It's unbelievable. Yes, the clouds looked ominous on the drive and yes, it was supposed to rain today but no one expected this! This is something else, out of this world. The weather never fails to shock me in this country .It's amazing. If I weren't going to be on a plane in only a few hours I would be tempted to go out and dance in it, to soak up Mother Nature, to open my arms to the skies! But, I can't. I have a plane to catch, a car to sit in, no change of clothes! Instead, I just observe from within the store walls. I save half my sandwich for later, all the quotes from our Honet Teas are ones I've not had before. I love that. I promise myself not to buy much, to save some money for the airport. I still buy a new incense burners though, it has the Hindu symbol on it. I love what that symbol stands for but that's a whole other entry. I buy a cookie too, for after my second sandwich sitting. We're done and we still have fortyfive minutes to kill.
We drive down to the mall, it's not too far from where we are and it's closer to the airport. Kels and I obviously find H and M and it's there it begins. It's always the same tell tale signs that happen first. My temparature goes up, I'll yawn even if I'm not tired. It will feel as if my temples are being pulled inwards.There will be a weird sickness feeling in my stomach, one that isn't the same to any other stomach ache unless it is this situation. It leads to a combination of me wanting throw up everywhere and faint. I hate it. I can't get rid of it, either, which is the worst bit. All the helps is laying in a cool, dark room in silence but that isn't an option here so while they go in Sears, I sit outside and close my eyes. I don't want the last hour I spend here to be spent in a mood. They don't take long and before I know it, we're back in the car and on our way to the airport. We're over taken by a fire truck. I feel like that's a bad sign. I wind down the window and rest my head against the cool glass while the breeze runs through my hair. It feels a lot better, I'm starting to feel better too now. Brilliant, there is a car in the middle of the road, absolutely smashed to pieces. The road is closed so we have to go a different route. A very bad sign. We turn around and take another route. I feel like we'll never get there. I don't want to leave but I just want to be on the plane already. I want to get all this waiting and such over and done with. I get paranoid and antsy in this stage of travelling, irritable. I don't like it and nor will anyone else. 
We eventually pull up at the airport and we jump out while U. Ed goes to park the car. We check my bag in, it's five kilograms overweight, that's a forty pound fine. A. Julie pays for it and I promise I'll mail the money as soon as I can, she said she doesn't mind. We sit about and wait until we are four again and they take me up to security. I've already taken off all my jewellery and I'm being super polite to everyone I speak to - Americans like that, the're big on manners here. The guy at security is acting like a dick, giving me a million instructions on how to place my bag when all he needed to say was 'place it flat on the conveyor belt please' but no, he had to be awkward didn't he, the bellend. For once, I go through the metal dector without it beeping on me. I almost breathe a sigh of relief but that would probably arouse suspicion so I breathe it in my head instead. I don't go off but my bag does. There's always something! The woman is friendly when she asks me what's in the bag and friendlier still when I tell her just books and a camera. We talk about iPads vs real books while she searches my bag. She's nice, doesn't find anything dodgy so she lets me on my way. I tell her to have a very good night. Stop off to use the bathroom and then buy some Fiji water (thinking of Kels on that one, Fiji water has a good Ph level) and then off to my gate. I get there super early so I get a good seat, nice and chill.
While I'm sat I decide to give my Mother a call, she recognizes my voice straight away and apparently so does Toby so he and I chat for a moment until he loses interest (which doesn't take long seeing as he is a cat) she tells me she can't wait to see me and she'll be at the airport for just after ten so I don't have to wait around. It will be so good to see her again, I've never gone this long without seeing my Mother, it's bloody lovely to hear her voice again, in all honesty. We hang up because it's late her time and I go to the bathroom again. I strike up conversation with the lady sitting opposite me. We chat for a while, it's a nice break to the solitary confinement that will be my mind during this flight. I sit, I read, I organize my bag.
We eventually board the plane and that's where I am writing this, seat 37K, next to a slumbering seat 37J (she's nice). I don't know how I manage it but every plane I have ever been on, I have sat by the window and I have flown to Florida once, to Italy twice and to Germany three times and now to Philadelphia! I'm always lucky enough to get a seat with a view, and what a view it is tonight. I literally cannot get over how gorgeous it is. It's as if there are no inland lights, but all the lights along the water's edge have been turned out, just illuminating the coast. It's gorgeous. I don't know which state it is to my right but if I concentrate long enough I can see the movement of lights on the highway. It's the yellow orange glow that pictures just do not prepare you for. Nothing could ever prepare me for being this close to the moon, the stars. I can see them all from here! Admittedly the lights from within the plane ruin the view a bit but still, it's a glorious sight layed out from the otherside of my window to the end of eternity. The moon has never looked brighter, I'm so grateful it's not a cloudy night. The Stewards keep asking me to shut the blind because it'll soon be getting light out as it's almost 5am in England but we won't be getting light for ages yet, still a good five hours until we land so we've got a bit of darknes to go yet. It's an ethereal kind of beauty. We could absolutely be the last ones alive, up in the air, surrounded by this gorgeous sea of blue sky, occasionally dotted with diamonds of fire and we'd never know about it. For once I'm amongst it, instead of observing it. I can't get over how this feels right now. Tonight, we could forget about the sun, we could forget the sun is the center of the Universe, tonight it seems as though the moon is the center of it all. The moon is the be all and end all of existence, eternity, everything. I had to write this as I'm seeing it because if I waited I wouldn't be able to know the lexis to use in the morning, surrounded by light and plain old England and reality. My reality. 
I've drunk in the view, I can see it now with my eyes closed. It will for be an image I will remember for the rest of my life. But for now, it is time to sleep. I'm getting delirious: it's 2am in the time zone I am leaving and 5am in the time zone I am entering. AKA sleep o clock! Goodnight, sweet dreams and have a lovely day tomorrow!

America: the finale.

My last few days go in spurts: really quickly then dragging beyond belief.  My alone time is nice but I’m forever grateful upon the return of my family. I do the majority of my packing on the Friday , my laundry too. I check out my flight details and such. It’s weird, I’m excited to go home and see everyone but I absolutely do not want to leave. I’d like to go home for a week, maybe two but then I’d like to return to Delaware, get a job and start a life here. I can’t do that, though. Firstly: I don’t qualify for a visa and secondly my Mother needs me so I need to be there for her, I can’t leave her just yet. The Saturday Uncle Ed and I go to Rehoboth for the last time where I get told off for standing on the jetty and I buy the last party to everyone’s presents.
Sunday is completely an off day. I’m basically packed and I don’t know what to do with myself. We resolve to go to Chipotle for dinner because it became my favorite restaurant in American (if not, in the world) but the line is literally out the door so we end up in Rice which is fine by me as we that’s my #2nd favorite restaurant in the States. I eat my hear out and when we get back home I eat vanilla Talenti ice cream with chocolate chips. I finish packing and say goodnight for the last time and Kels and I retire to watch the Inbetweeners together for the last time for who knows how long!?
My nights sleep is terrible. I don’t drop off until way gone 1am, only to wake around 2:30 in need of the bathroom. I wake again around 6 then 7, I wake for the last time around 8:30 ad decide to give up on any further notions of sleep. That’s just what I need! Shit nights sleep ahead of me. At least in less than 24 hours I’ll be on a plane en route home!

Say Goodbye!

Rehoboth Beach, DE.

America: Embracing the Moment.

If the statement ‘start as you mean to go on’ was true, the day would’ve been a disaster.

We wake up and there’s nothing for sandwiches, we take Isis for a walk but we get to the end of the street and have to turn back because she won’t budge – it’s too hot for her. We finally leave to get gas and it’s gone up 6 cents since yesterday! The buttons on the pump don’t work so we have to drive round to another one that does work only for the actual pump to be iffy resulting in Kels spilling gas all down herself. Back to the house we, she needs to shower an change: it went everywhere. I’ve still had no email from my Mother. By the time we pull on the highway I’m feeling a bit dejected.

Alas! Half way there, the road clears and shuffle is suddenly playing all our favorite songs. We drive through Rehoboth, through Lewes and finally we pull into the Cape Henlopen parking lot. It’s midweek so it’s not too busy and we get a good parking spot. The same applies down on the sand, people are scattered all along the shore so we get the perfect spot right down by the water.

The sun is high in the sky as we lay down or towels and slather on the block. The clouds are like the people: scattered and sparing. As we’re so close to the water we can both get in without having to worry about our stuff being stolen. The sea is the perfect temperature: cold enough to make you jump but not so to stop you getting in. I’ve not been in two minutes before completely submerging myself. My wet hair feels delightful on my back as the sun beats directly on it.  The horizon looks gorgeous, stretching out forever right before my eyes. I dash back up the sand to get my camera, desperate to capture this vision of breath taking beauty before it’s too late, before it’s gone. I call my agenda over my shoulder to a confused looking Kelsey. I take picture after picture after picture of the horizon, the sea, the waves, the sand, the people. I take pictures of everything, aware that this is my last day on the beach before I have to go home.

Now that my departure is so close, I can’t bear to leave. Delaware might be a bit naff but the beach is gorgeous, the people I love and the weather… well, I couldn’t ask for better!

We play with the toy that we managed to remember this time; a ball with two scooped catcher things – we don’t know what to call it. We splash in the sea and we lay on our towels to soak up the sun, taking a drink every ten minutes. This is our routine.

I’m silent for a while, eyes closed, limbs stretched. ‘’You alright over there’’ comes Kelsey’s voice interrupting my reverie. “Yeah, I’m fine” I say, £just embracing the moment.” We both giggle. It’s such a lame thing to say and it’s been an ongoing comment of mine all summer, but it’s true. Embracing the moment. Just soaking up the heat, the sound of the waves and the people, my still wet hair, Kelsey’s presence, how I feel right now. Absorbing the very perfection that is this very second. The few clouds in the sky have not once passed over the sun. A day like this needs to be embraced.

We carry on out routine for a while longer and before we know it, we’ve here a good three hours and we’re starving so we pack up and head for the showers.

Feeling refreshed with the windows down and the volume up we head into Lewes to get pizza and Kels knows just the place. We park and walk, Lewes is gorgeous, kind of place I could see myself living one day; great book show, ice cream parlor and pizza place as I was about to find out.

The restaurant is a quaint little place with space enough to sit eight outside and perhaps four times that inside. It’s call Half Full, as in ‘glass half full; an eternal state of optimism. It’s quirky and comfortable and I love it. Now, my usual opinion on pizza is the more meat, the better but today, fort some reason, I feel like a change. Instead, I opt for the spinach salad; spinach (obviously), roasted red peppers, red onions, tomatoes, cheese, bacon and balsamic. Nice and light, I’m starving and can’t wait. I take pictures of this and that and the next thing until my battery finally runs out; it’s done well to last this long. The people outside leave and we quickly take their spot, it’s such a gorgeous day it would be a shame to waste it sat inside. An older gentleman is say on the bench across from ours. His eyes drinking in the view, you can tell by his expression he is content to be alone, his face is an echo of the onslaught of thoughts going on within his mind. I like people like him. It’s not long before our pizza arrives and, my goodness, I am not disappointed. It’s one of the most inviting looking meals I’ve ever had put before me. It looks so good I almost don’t want to eat it but frame it! UI said almost, my belly growls are me so I dig in. I can’t help but congratulate myself on my decision – it tastes even better than it looks so I chivvy my camera back to life so I can get a picture of it before it’s diminished.

While we’re eating a couple arrives, the very ostentatious type. Not at all trying to keep their conversation between themselves, they make sure we can hear. I feel sorry for the gentleman for they chose to sit next to him. The disturb his serenity, his tranquility as they’re on and off their seats, in and out of the door; it takes them forever to settle down and when they do, they strike up conversation with their neighboring diner, pursuing small talk despite his obvious reluctance. Eventually the conversation dwindles and the poor man doesn’t waste any time before departing, he didn’t want a companion obviously! If he did, he wouldn’t be dining alone! I hate how shallow some people are, how some think being alone is the lesser of the two, as if ones own company isn’t enough. It’s clear the couple on the bench across from ours are a couple that follow a similar ideal concerning the one I just mentioned.

Kelsey finishes before I do for I am too busy observing to chew faster. We sot for a while, enjoying each others company, embracing the moment, before we decide to head home. Eventually we get up and go. We amble slowly to the car, really not saying much at all. It’s such a nice feeling – after a brilliant day, this is just the perfect way to end it. I’m overwhelmed with love for my cousin; so glad we reconnected after such a long time apart. We compliment each other wonderfully.

Again, the iPod just picks up the perfect songs to play as we chase the sun to the horizon. This will always be a day to remember.

my pizza.