#14: The Story of my Heart.

"The things you regret most are the things you didn't do."

So. There's this guy. Of course there is, I'm ane ighteen year old girl, obviously there's a guy. And if there was a guy there would still be some kind of significant male. Anyway, this guy. He's funny, intelligent, attractive, easy going, dresses well, listens to music the way I do, we get along perfectly. We share opinions and views but we're also different in complimentary ways. I guess you could say we balance eachother out. He's so genuine. That's what I like most about him. There's a really strong sense of sincerity wheneber he says something. He just seems like the kind of gut that wouldn't lie. I feel like he's never really been hurt. Maybe I'm wrong but that's how it seems. I guess we're different in that aspect of life. I've been very hurt, over and over again. By someone I thought I could love and trust. Now, by default, I neither love nor trust. It's half a conscious choice, half reflex. It's not that I don't want to, I guess I'm scared to. I don't like being vulnerable, I don't like beinghurt - I'm sure no one else does but there's something else, something I can't put into words about my reluctance to surrender - it's like... it's not that I'm dead inside but I don't know if I'm capable anymore. Not to be over dramatic, but honestly, that's how I feel. 

    "Words do not express thoughts very well, they always become a little different imediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish." (Hermann Hesse)

There's a feeling in the tips of my fingers and the pit of my stomach and the tips of my toes that the English language hasn't accomodated for yet. There is no word, or colletion of words, to accurately impress how I am feeling. I guess he's what I want but something in me is convinced I hcan't have. I'll try with him when I get back - we both know there's a spark but I don't kno whow it will go. I have never been good with relationships. My first boyfriend cheated on my with my best friend, there there were a couple of non consequential guys who lasted simply weeks at a time and were more best friend than boyfriend material  . And then there was my last ex boyfriend. Who is very consequential. Who cheated on me and I took back. Who, during a few brief break ups, did the nasty with a close friend. He was a player in many ways, often he was like two different people. So, both of my major boyfriends have cheated on me, I hope now it's relatively easy tii understand why I feel the way I feel. I know shouldn't judge the masses on the minority but it's very easy to do. That's why I never get involved. I get so far in, panick, back out and avoid the guy until it's been made clear how I feel - I just don't trust people, is that my fault or would it be better to be naive? And wade into situations with my eyes closed, ignorant to the fact it had the potnetial to leave me a broken heartred, sobbing mess? The latter is inacurate - I don't c ry. I'm not a crier. I haven't cried since my brother left Afghanistan. When you have something like that to cry about, everything else pales in comparison I guess. Sometimes I wish I were less guarded and could openly and enthusiastically give myself to another person. Oh, here's another thing: I don't believe in love, but that's a whole nother kettle of a fish, a whole nother entry.

 "Many people still confuse attachment with love. Attachments are about fear and dependency, and have more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn't about what others can give you because you're empty, it's about what you can give others - because you're already full. " (Yasmin Mogahed)

I don't want to get attached to him and I know I literally just said I dont' believe love exists but my theory is 'it's harder to prove something doesn't exist, than to prove it does.' But the thing, I don't think I'm metaphorically full yet so I have nothing to give him and that's what concerns me right now. When it all boils down to make or break, I don't want him to change his mind becaise I know this has potential - but what if he doesn't realise this? Instead of behing the one left, I avoid the situation by doing the leaving but this time I'm going to try really hard to sitck it out. Man, I'm not going to lie but I like this guy. I'm just really nervous.

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." (Christopher Columbus)